Toolkit

Today’s tool from the kit was about being kind to myself. It’s a struggle when the negative thoughts creep in and suddenly you’re not good enough for anything. But I’m a big fan of kindness. It’s free to give! Sprinkle that stuff around like glitter, I say! But how easy to send it outwards and never inwards. We all know glitter sticks to us as well as anything else it’s supposed to be on, so sprinkle that glitter kindness on ourselves too!

For my self care today, I went and met with a friend and her dogs that I’m looking after this weekend, spent some time at two of my favourite coffee haunts, and lazed in the pool for most of the afternoon.

Visiting with my friend and talking with a couple of friends has really started to get me thinking seriously about taking up pet sitting. I’m weighing up doing it on my own with my current network or joining a company. There is a bit of research to do and I’m going to enjoy sinking my teeth into that over the next few days.

Sniffing out the imposter dogs!!

On my way to my second coffee of the day, I received a call about a potential temp job. Once I settled in with my delicious coffee with fresh homemade almond milk (so delicious!) I called the company back and made arrangements for an interview with them tomorrow. So now I have two interviews tomorrow in the city. It’s supposed to be 31 degrees so I’m hoping there is also lots of air conditioning to be in!! I have plans to hit the pool as soon as I get home in the afternoon if it doesn’t storm before I get home!

Today was my first swim this season. And it was gorgeous. The water was just cool enough to take the heat out of the day and I’m pretty sure I avoided getting sunburnt – totally a win for me! It was so nice to just feel weightless. Stress is such a heavy burden and with all I achieved this morning, I felt completely okay about relaxing in the water. Self care for the win!

And now it’s time to fold my wings and settle into sleep. I took some anxiety medication and have lavender in the diffuser again ready to help lull me off into la la land. I have to be up at stupid o’clock tomorrow so I can meet all my appointments.

So don’t forget about kindness!! When you send that glitter out to everyone else, don’t forget about you. It makes a world of difference.

Love and sweet dreams to all xx

Ups and downs

Hey team.

I’ve been avoiding you all lately. That sneaky depression and extremely obvious anxiety have been ruling my world a little bit and I haven’t been myself.

It’s three weeks since I last went to work now. And that sucks. I’m bored, missing my most recent coworkers, and struggling to stay positive. I lost a whole day today because I couldn’t function. I managed to scavenge back some of it tonight when I applied for another couple of jobs and managed to cook dinner. But I’m feeling more failure than success.

I’ve been rejected for all the jobs I’ve had interviews for. That’s hard. I’m still waiting to hear from one and have another interview on Wednesday for another, but… ugh, I’m not even going to finish that sentence because it was only going to be bad.

I cried tonight. I’m actually hopeful that means I’m on an upswing. Tears have been hovering in the background for over a week and they haven’t fallen. I’m fighting here. But tonight, just one kind word from an unexpected source, finally tipped the scales. Sometimes tears can feel cleansing… and after a shower (which is one thing I always struggle with when I’m down) and clean sheets and fresh pjs, I’m starting to feel a bit cleaner (for want of a better word).

Tomorrow I leave the house. It’s so easy to lock yourself up and refuse to engage with the world when you are struggling. The effort of getting dressed some days is really too much. But tomorrow I’m going to meet some dogs I’m looking after this weekend, call in at my beautiful friends working kitchen (got to raid the money box for some coffee money!), and do a yoga!

I have had to stop my yoga subscription (for obvious reasons) and have been very lax about my home practice. I have a quiet yin to do before bed tonight and I’m going to see if I can find something to do tomorrow. I did a course a couple of Sunday’s ago that I should be able to draw from.

I also need to pick up my journal again. I have been off and on with writing in it. It’s a cute little thing that has prompts to follow on each page. I’ll do a piece on it another day. I also need to get back to my bullet journal. I can use that for so many things!! Including ideas on how to stay positive and climb up and out of this ditch.

Once again it’s getting late so I should shut down for sleep. I have my diffuser ready to go with some lavender oil for calm, my Daisy dog all snuggled next to me, and a nice clean pillow to sink into. I’m definitely taking pleasure in those small things tonight!

Love to all and be kind to each other.

Insomnia

So I’m not coping as well as I am trying to tell myself I am. And it’s manifesting in my inability to sleep at night!! At least tonight there is rain to try put me to sleep. Though it has ruined my weekend plans for going to Australia Zoo tomorrow and the thunder that cracked overhead nearly two hours ago was what woke me from my 2 hours of early sleep. Oh well.

I had an interview on Wednesday and I feel like it went well. It’s a job I think I would be really good at and enjoy so fingers crossed. I should hear about it early next week. I have another interview lined up next week and am still waiting to hear from MYER about Christmas casual work (they are doing their next lot of interviews soon). I like to think I’m not in panic mode yet, but it’s starting to be a bit terrifying. As soon as it’s quiet my brain heads into overload and wants to tell me all about the bad things that could be coming in my near future. Thanks brain.

One of my favourite people in the whole world arrives back in Queensland tomorrow. I can’t wait to see him. It still doesn’t feel real that he’s moving back, so maybe when I get to see him it will sink in! Best friends are the best to have around. People that know you’re a bit nuts but still hang out with you anyway hehe. And he will finally get to meet my Daisy girl.

Ok so I’m running out of things to say to try keep on the positive side of life so I think I’ll try and get some more sleep. Or maybe go for a walk around the house and have some water. Or another glass of milk. Or a shower. Or start a new book.

Insomnia sucks.

Hope the rest of you are sleeping ok and be kind to yourselves and each other. Love freely xx

Hello

Is is me you’re looking for?

Hehe sorry, it’s late on a Monday night and I’m a couple of glasses of wine in and emotionally exhausted.

It happened today. My contract ended and I have nothing to go to. And I’m devastated.

Not about the job. The work wasn’t right for me. I need to be out with people, not tied to a phone. It took surviving this last year to cement that fact. But I did it. I survived it. And in the end, I think I got pretty good at it.

I’ve said for a while now how disappointed I am about failing at this job. But when I really look back, I didn’t fail it. It failed me.

And I can walk away with my head held high. Because I did something I really didn’t think I could do there, and I’ve made some incredible friends. It was such a lonely job in the beginning. Not being able to talk to anyone around me and just talking at a computer all day. It set off a mental health crisis like I haven’t seen in a few years. But once I figured out that I needed to include face time with real people, I started to come into my own.

I got a gorgeous card from my team today and almost every comment mentioned my laugh. For as shit as I have felt this year, for as low as I have been, knowing that I was able to laugh through it all, and have other people enjoy that about me makes me pretty happy. I may have struggled, but I sure did have some fun!

And now I get to bore you all again with my hunt for the next adventure. Job hunting is my least favourite thing to do (as anyone that has been with me a long time knows). But I feel okay about it this time. I hesitate to jinx it but I almost feel confident in my ability to grab on to my next job and fill it with the life that is me. I have an interview on Wednesday this week and a pile of saves in my job hunting profiles to start applying for tomorrow. I’m organised enough with MyBudget to be safe without income for over a month (though I’d rather not be pushing that hehe) and I have renewed interest in my yoga practice.

I made it to class after work tonight and it was just what I needed. I was barely holding it together after leaving work but I knew I would feel better if I could focus on me. And when we went into a sphinx pose with the option to open out over the bolster and rest our heads on a block instead of the traditional up on the elbows back bend, I lost it. Tears just streamed down my face for the whole five minutes as we held the pose. A position of surrender. And I was able to forgive myself. The release was quite something.

And now here I am. Right on the midnight of another day. It’s time to embrace the adventure that is change, the adventure that is my life, and Daisy cos she is really snuggly tonight hehe. Sleep well all, and take the time to thank yourself for getting through each day without taking a life.

Love to everyone xxx

Need kisses??

Day 1

Made it all the way through work today without the aid of any drugs! It was a quiet day mostly so it eased me back into the flow of things. I even remembered how to do my job.

I had a couple of learning packages to do so I managed to finish one of them and I also applied for a job on the job line at work. I doubt it’s one that I will have much of a look at but it’s all good practice for remembering that I am good at work, I just need to get out of my own way!

I did turn off the alarm this morning when it went for yoga but I did a 40 minute YouTube yin yoga video when I got home. I was familiar with all the poses except for one new one so that helped. I’m going to have to think of some way to keep a fluffy monster from trying to eat me alive on the floor!

She thought it was a great time to give me kisses and even climbed on my tummy for shavasana and a cuddle hehe. She can do that every time!

I’m still wide awake though. I don’t start until 11am tomorrow so I have the option of a sleep in. My alarm is set for 5.30am just in case I can get up for yoga. Hopefully tomorrow will go just as well as today did! That’s two good days in a row, I feel like I’m heading up!

Love with everything you have and tell your loved ones often xx

Sweet dreams!

Smashing goals

Ticked off a few of my jobs today! Feeling super proud of myself. I did stay in bed for most of the morning but it was cold so I’m taking that hehe. Once I got up, I managed a shower (possibly the last one was 3 days ago), then walked Daisy down to my favourite coffee shop. My stupid card played up so I couldn’t buy a coffee, but the gorgeous owner said I could have one on him… so yay coffee! And my first people interaction in days! It’s amazing what a good cup of coffee and someone calling you awesome human can do for your soul.

Daisy and I walked back up the hill with a bit of rain on us. Then I started in on my housework. It felt so good to get my kitchen back in order. I have also set up my exercise room ready to start daily yoga or walking practice for when I can’t make it to class or walk Daisy outside. I started mopping the floors but my mop head finally gave the ghost and disintegrated into pieces!

I took my beautiful coffee table book that Daisy stars in upstairs to show to my landlady and her sister. My second people interaction for the day! After that it was off to yoga. I actually made it! I was going to do both classes but my shoulders are still sore so didn’t want to upset them further with downward dogs. The deep stretch class was amazing and we finished it with legs up the wall pose. I forget how good I feel after that inversion. I think I will try and remember to do 10 minutes of that each night before bed to help with relaxation. I really have to start getting to one class at least every day. It’s my aversion to mornings that stops me achieving this but I’m just going to have to get up when that 5.30am alarm goes off! It’s guaranteed to be the best hour of my day and I need to do it.

I tried to do my supermarket shopping but my card wouldn’t work there either so that was frustrating. I think it’s still waiting for the funds that are in there to clear. Maybe Monday it will work. I hope so! Because otherwise I’m going to run out of toilet paper and petrol to add to having no milk or coffee in the house! It sucks when things just get away from you!

Back to work tomorrow. Time to settle in and make some money so that if I don’t have employment after September ends I at least have something in the bank for a few weeks buffer. It was funny to see my old job pop up in my emails today. If it wasn’t such an effort to uplift my life and move home again, I could be tempted. I’m sure the Farmers Palmy crew would love having me back in the office hehe.

Well I have a few more things to achieve before bed, including writing some things in my bullet journal that I have been ignoring, and printing some gorgeous photos of my nephew to add to my book! It’s also time to set some smart goals for the next month. I need lists to track my awesomeness!!

Hope you are all well and surviving each day as it comes. Sending out lots of love and kindness to everyone and don’t forget to hug a puppy if you need to feel better xx Daisy is my lifesaver… even when I bath her and she hates me for the rest of the day!!

Dream sweetly!!

Failure

I have spent the last few days trying to pinpoint what it is that is causing these panic attacks. I saw my doctor on Tuesday and she put me off for the week to try and get better. I have some medication to take when I feel the anxiety start to build, and I have been taking it before bed because as soon as the lights go out my brain fires up, telling me all about what a failure I am.

Failure. It seems to be what is setting me off. It brings guilt and anxiety and stress and self dislike. It makes me feel like it doesn’t matter if I don’t get out of bed because no one wants me around anyway. It makes me shrink into this hole and just play and replay every mistake I have ever made. It doesn’t seem to matter if I have learned and moved on from the past, this anxious mind just keeps pulling from it.

I haven’t left the house in two days. I need to change that tomorrow. I need to see people. I need to do normal things again, like go to the supermarket, attend a yoga class, walk the dog. I need to clean my house, put things back where they belong, recreate the order that I’ve lost in just 4 days of this panic disorder.

I need to breathe. I’m in so much pain through my shoulders and neck and there is a headache that won’t let up from all the tension. I need to let go.

It always amazes me how quickly things can fall into disarray. This time last week I was on top of everything and feeling good about life and where it’s going. Crazy that it can turn on its head so quickly. There has been a lot around about mental health again at the moment and the high suicide rates. I’m thankful every morning that I never ever have suicidal thoughts. The panic and anxiety make me want to hide from the world but I still want to be in it. Just being able to write here and share some of the crazy on paper helps me reconnect to the world. Time to start climbing out of this rut and back to the top.

Be kind to yourselves and tell those people you love that you love them.

Xx

Cold

Heading for 6 degrees tonight. Not cool Brisbane… well… actually…. too cool Brisbane hehe.

I’ve had a couple of self induced stress days. Anxiety is up, and logical, rational Suzy has moved off somewhere I can’t find her. And it’s so frustrating.

I felt like I was standing outside my body today, watching myself be ridiculous. I wanted to yell at myself and tell me to snap out of the ridiculous. It’s just a job. It’s just work. It’s not the end of the world. It’s ok to not have a good day everyday. It’s ok not to be the best at everything. And it’s not ok to self sabotage all the good things just to justify an end that is probably going to be the best thing for me anyway.

I just feel so stuck.

I’m not used to failing at work. Work is the one thing I’m good at! I know I make mistakes and I’m far from perfect but I can usually learn and move on and just get better. I don’t know why I can’t here. It’s a mental block that’s been up since the early months and I can’t move it. But I don’t know what else to do.

I have no passion for anything. I have no career goals, no vision for my life. Money is obviously not a motivator for me because otherwise I would be killing it in this job. I don’t know what my motivator is. All I can see is the things I’m not good at, and just can’t see the things I am good at. And this is all sounding like a giant pity party and it’s pissing me off because I was really starting to get my head back in a good place and now this!

I want to scream.

Ugh.

I bailed on yoga again tonight for the second night running. Daisy has been giving me lots of love and I need to repay her with walks after work tomorrow and on my days off. I’m so grateful for her in my life. She reminds me that to take care of her, I gotta take care of me.

I’m sticking around home this weekend. I’m booked in to do a yoga for anxiety workshop on Friday night. It’s at the city studio so obviously I’m already feeling anxious about trying to find the place. I have the day off so I know I will find it in plenty of time, either by bus or finding a nearby car park. I also need to give my house some love. The floors need washing and the beds need changing. I want to set up a little office space so I can have somewhere to go in the house to look for my “what to do next”. The front room is clear of its bed now so I’m going to move the treadmill and set up a yoga space in one end, and a study space at the other. A nice separate place for me time. I want to feel like I’m at least in control of something since my head seems to be spinning out again.

Next week is birthday week. I need that to be a good week. I love birthdays and love celebrating them, and I have lots of family to enjoy it with this year too. I just have to make it through the next 6 days. Then I get to hang out with my mum, get my hair done, go to a show with my sister, have birthday lunch with family, and then I’m volunteering at this years Paws at the Park!! Daisy and I are going to do dog yoga and then we are helping with the stage events for a couple of hours! I’m so excited about playing with all the dogs.

Maybe I need a dog related job. Surely there’s one out there for snuggling all the dogs all day every day? Hehe

Ok enough drama for one night. Tears are dry (thanks Daisy), breathing is normal, and happy thoughts about hugging all the puppies are in my head.

Sweet dreams everyone. Give yourself some love… I promise to try give me some too.

Xx

Sunday night blues

I’ve been dead on my feet all day, and now it’s time to sleep I’m wide awake. This monthly visitor is really draining me. I’m in pain and so tired. Might have to have a steak for dinner tomorrow.

Naturally I’m sliding into Sunday night panic as I prepare to go back to work tomorrow. It’s a days week so I’ll have to be up early… that’s probably the main cause of the panic hehe. I’m so not a morning person!! And I had to buy monthly supplies today with the last of my coffee money… sad face.

I had a really good weekend with family. Nice to spend time with everyone. I’ll probably head back down again on Friday. I was going to try and do the yoga for anxiety class that night but I think it’s sold out! I’ll go sit on the beach with Daisy in the sun for a bit… that will help me chill out.

Hopefully if I put my sleep meditation on I’ll be able to drift off soon. I’ve already tried a sleep story but Stephen Fry failed to put me to sleep tonight. Time to practice some breathing techniques, that should wear me out!

Sweet dreams everyone and have an amazing Monday!!! Xx

Thursday

So just to get it out of the way, I didn’t get up this morning either. So no yoga and my house is still messy. Sigh.

But other than failing at 2 of the simple tasks I set for today, I actually had a pretty good day! I did not think it was going to go that way when I woke up. I was in such a foul mood that even Daisy was annoying me. Poor puppy. She has had so much love from me since I got home tonight!! Oh the guilt…

I arrived at work with a scowl on my face and no coffee in my hand. My pay was running late so no coffee visit for me before my shift. The saving grace was an excellent first few calls and sitting next to awesome people. Tim was amusing me for the entirety of the first 5 hours of my shift, and then Lana was opposite me to chat with during the quiet spots for the rest of the night! I’m a different person when I get to have face to face interaction with those around me.

Also I got to have sweets and coffee eventually… and I’m sure the sugar helped sweeten my mood a whole lot hehe.

Tomorrow I’m visiting a workmate before work and then heading to the Gold Coast after work to see my sisters and mum. Daisy and I are staying down there for the weekend to spend time with everyone. I will probably aim to be back for Sunday afternoon yoga depending on what everyone else has planned. My Youfoodz is getting delivered on Sunday too so I’ll need to put that in the fridge. Then I get my 8.30am starts for the week. Oh the horror hehe.

I used my pen today that said smile often. It helped!

Ok sleep time… well let Daisy outside to bark at things before going to sleep again time hehe.

Sweet dreams all!!