More tears

So today didn’t turn out quite as planned. I got as far as my retail therapy, bought stuff, then went home to mums and slept. I’m beyond exhausted.

I was doing well right up until bed time. My brain suddenly reminded me that the rest of my life was going to be like this… No Ian.

I keep reaching for my phone to call him or text him. It’s hard to stop myself. I know I need some time out from him to sort my head but I keep thinking he will be gone for good soon… Then what?

I guess I still can’t see a future without him in it.

I do however see a future with this fabulous handbag in it!! Ugh I should be kept out of shops!!

Treat day.

Today is all about me. I haven’t had time to just have a me day since my life blew up. I have had moments but today is mine.

I just had a stunning breakfast at a beautiful cafe in Dunedin and am now planning the rest of my day.

A bit of retail therapy is in order. I don’t think I will be buying anything but I do love a good look around shops.

If I can find somewhere I think I’ll get my nails done. That’s always a treat! A pedicure might be in order as my feet hate summer hehe

The weather is a bit wet but hopefully I will be able to meet my favourite girl for lunch (hi Kim xx). Nothing like a girly catch up to feel better about life.

And then the ultimate treat, a movie by myself with popcorn to myself.

Looking forward to it!!

Broken stomach…

It seems my broken heart actually lies in my stomach.

I have this heavy feeling that I am carrying around and when I really start to think about how life is changing I get sick. I’m trying not to cry and cry today. It’s in the back of my mind to just hide in bed and never come out. But that’s what depression does. I can’t let this heartache (or stomach ache is more appropriate I guess) send me back to the place I have worked so hard to get out of. Does that make me strong? I certainly hope so.

I couldn’t sleep last night for the thoughts and questions running around my head about the night we set the end in motion. There are things I don’t know and that he is not telling me and I’m starting to think about them. I had to write everything down just so I could some rest. I looked over my scribblings this morning. I’m not going to like many of the answers I’ll get…. If he even gives them to me.

I’m also worrying about making rash decisions in too much of a hurry. I suspect my mourning period is going to be far longer than I want it to be. And maybe it’s best to be around my friends while that happens?

I thought I would know by the end of this trip what I would want to do next. But now I’m not so sure. I guess the only thing I can do is keep that butterfly in the forefront of my mind and take every step towards becoming her.

At least this face brightens my life…

Becoming real

My baby cat has a new home 😞. I’m happy she is in a wonderful place and settling in so well but oh my it’s breaking my heart.

We took her out there on Monday night. I told Ian I wanted to be there to make sure she was ok. I cried my heart out on the way. I held it together mostly when we were helping her settle in. I cried myself sick on the way home having left her behind.

Cosmos has been my baby girl for nearly 7 years. Getting her into a new home has made this all hit home even harder than moving out did. It’s almost at no going back point. I think I like to keep fooling myself into thinking he is going to change his mind and I can have my life back. But even if he did, it would never be the same 😢

I’m in a different city from him now. Just for a few days. I’m hoping the space will help sort my head out and not do the opposite and just make me miss him more. I’m talking a lot about moving to the Gold Coast in the near future to start again… But my heart isn’t feeling it yet. Stupid thing wants what it cannot have.

Breaking up is hard to do

… So is waking up. I’m sleeping on a camp stretcher at the moment having decided not to keep our bed. I can’t sleep in it knowing he won’t be beside me anymore. But the hardest part at the moment is waking to my alarm which I always set early with the plan to snuggle with him for a bit before getting up. The last few mornings have been really hard waking up on my own. I miss him.

I still see him everyday. He is babysitting my Daisy. I’m heading home for a few days on Wednesday to try and get some head space, and to get used to how I’m going to feel when he is gone. I’m not sure I want to get used to that.

A friend asked me today if I would take him back, if in finding himself he realised he missed me…. I thought I was very brave answering that it would depend on where I was in my life… Especially as my heart was breaking all over again because that hope just isn’t there.

But I managed a tear free day yesterday. First all week. Each hour as it comes I guess.

1 week…

1 week since my life changed so dramatically.

Half the time I feel like I can do this. I moved into a new place so I have somewhere to escape to, I have been in to work twice without too many tears, I laugh and joke with him while we are packing up our lives.

Times, like tonight, I just want to cry and cry until it’s all over. I went to kiss him goodbye like I do every time he drops me somewhere and was firmly rejected. It shouldn’t be a surprise but it still digs the knife in. How can I still love and want him when he so obviously does not want me? I don’t know what I did to cause the change. I wish I could flip the off switch so readily.

Then I lie in the strange room in a new flat and wonder what he is doing. Is he planning his next conquest? Trawling the Internet for satisfaction he no longer finds with me? Am I allowed to care?

I wish I could hate him. But when someone has been your best friend, confidante, lover, companion, rock, for 7 years, how do you just hate them?

I walked past a shop today that had the following quote in the window…

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly…

I want to be that butterfly, but tonight I’m very much the grieving caterpillar.

Heartbroken

The love of my life is leaving me. And I think he thinks it’s what I want.

He lost his job before Christmas and stupid me had been trying to be the supportive partner and thrown suggestions at him. It seems those suggestions have sealed my fate. He thinks I want everything we have now just somewhere he can get a job. Silly me thought that was my only option. But apparently he wants to travel. I have always wanted to travel with him because he is such great company but I never thought it was an option. He always said he was done with travel. Stupid thing is I would give up everything to travel with him.

We have to give our cats away. They have been with us this entire journey! 7 years… It just breaks my heart. And I can’t help thinking that maybe Daisy would be better off without me. That I should give her to someone that will be able to give her the time and attention she needs, not stick her with me who has no idea of where life is going or if i can take her with me. I love that dog to pieces but if giving her up meant I could keep Ian I would. But that’s not going to happen.

I will miss him so much. The companionship alone… I just… Ugh it makes me cry just thinking that I won’t be able to talk to him or that I’ll see something that reminds me of him or that he would like and I can’t share it.

Everyone asks me if I saw it coming. I tried not to see it coming. I knew as soon as I found out about his job that he might use it as an excuse to go. That’s probably why I tried so hard to suggest options. I should have kept my mouth shut. But even then I can’t help but think he checked out of our relationship months ago. When I got home from my trip to Australia he barely looked at me. He threw the dog between us and I couldn’t get to him. I wanted to share my excitement and I still don’t know if I got to. Now my enthusiasm from my trip has also been used in the argument against us as a couple. I feel like a failure. And a disappointment. If I could I would leave my life and hide somewhere. But I have bills to pay and I need to eat (even though that’s not working out for me at the moment) so I need to keep working. I can’t stand the thought of going back to work tomorrow. Or ever again.

I want to be stronger than this. But I’m just so broken. I want to hate him. But I love him too much. I want to scream and yell at him. But I have nothing to throw. How does anyone survive this?

530am – 19 degrees Celsius….

I’m melting!!

I have been lying awake since 2am and I swear it just keeps getting warmer! I love summer, honestly, but this is stupid. Cool nights are more than welcome!! Hehe

Little sleep does nothing to help my stress levels though. I have been putting on a brace face and trying to “go with the flow” regarding Ian’s job (or lack of) situation. Turns out I’m not that good at going with the flow… I’d rather have some idea which direction the flow is heading!!! I should know this about myself of course, being the anxious little creature I am! Most days I just want to throw my hands in the air and walk away. Except we are in this together. Now to remind him of that fact lol ugh boys.

I have been struck with a dumb flu virus too. Who gets the flu in summer?! Being unable to get out of bed and enjoy the gorgeous days has not helped me feel better. But at least if I’m inside I’m not forgetting to put sunscreen on… Don’t go swimming in the outdoor pools without sunscreen. Worst idea ever.

The worst thing about the timing of this flu is that it interrupts my fitness goals for the beginning of the year. I had been on a roll and now I have to work up the motivation to start all over again. It’s too easy to stay out of the habit than get back in it!

Oh well I had better try for more sleep. I have a late start at work thankfully so maybe I’ll get a couple more hours in!

Xx

2015…. Who did that?!

Happy New Year!!!!

Suddenly it is 2015. How did that happen? Ian refuses to believe it is any later than 1998… I’m almost inclined to agree with him! Plus I got asked for ID in the store today so that makes it 1999 at least… Hehe

I didn’t master the art of the cover letter or perfect cv so I am still in my job. It’s been super busy over Christmas though (as anyone who works in retail will agree!) so it hasn’t been too bad. The next month could be interesting now that we are in the quiet period… However my job hunting is on hold as Ian lost his job just before Christmas. His turn to job hunt!! I’m secretly hoping for a change of scenery, even though I love my life in Palmy. I feel like I have reached the top of where I am going to get here so I would welcome the chance to move on…. Except maybe stay close, like Wellington, so I can still come home to visit hehe.

Daisy dog had her 2nd birthday!! I can’t believe I have had her in my life for nearly 2 years!! I love her so much. It’s amazing how a dog can change your entire mood from crap to happy!! I swear she is better than any medication I am taking to keep me on the straight and narrow!! She had a play date tonight with Neff the miniature schnauzer hehe now she is passed out on the sofa!

I’m on my third glass of bubbles and can hear cheesecake calling so I better get on (so I can go to bed on time to not be grumpy at work tomorrow!). Hope you are all well!! Xx

2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 410 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 7 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.