Hello

Is is me you’re looking for?

Hehe sorry, it’s late on a Monday night and I’m a couple of glasses of wine in and emotionally exhausted.

It happened today. My contract ended and I have nothing to go to. And I’m devastated.

Not about the job. The work wasn’t right for me. I need to be out with people, not tied to a phone. It took surviving this last year to cement that fact. But I did it. I survived it. And in the end, I think I got pretty good at it.

I’ve said for a while now how disappointed I am about failing at this job. But when I really look back, I didn’t fail it. It failed me.

And I can walk away with my head held high. Because I did something I really didn’t think I could do there, and I’ve made some incredible friends. It was such a lonely job in the beginning. Not being able to talk to anyone around me and just talking at a computer all day. It set off a mental health crisis like I haven’t seen in a few years. But once I figured out that I needed to include face time with real people, I started to come into my own.

I got a gorgeous card from my team today and almost every comment mentioned my laugh. For as shit as I have felt this year, for as low as I have been, knowing that I was able to laugh through it all, and have other people enjoy that about me makes me pretty happy. I may have struggled, but I sure did have some fun!

And now I get to bore you all again with my hunt for the next adventure. Job hunting is my least favourite thing to do (as anyone that has been with me a long time knows). But I feel okay about it this time. I hesitate to jinx it but I almost feel confident in my ability to grab on to my next job and fill it with the life that is me. I have an interview on Wednesday this week and a pile of saves in my job hunting profiles to start applying for tomorrow. I’m organised enough with MyBudget to be safe without income for over a month (though I’d rather not be pushing that hehe) and I have renewed interest in my yoga practice.

I made it to class after work tonight and it was just what I needed. I was barely holding it together after leaving work but I knew I would feel better if I could focus on me. And when we went into a sphinx pose with the option to open out over the bolster and rest our heads on a block instead of the traditional up on the elbows back bend, I lost it. Tears just streamed down my face for the whole five minutes as we held the pose. A position of surrender. And I was able to forgive myself. The release was quite something.

And now here I am. Right on the midnight of another day. It’s time to embrace the adventure that is change, the adventure that is my life, and Daisy cos she is really snuggly tonight hehe. Sleep well all, and take the time to thank yourself for getting through each day without taking a life.

Love to everyone xxx

Need kisses??

Smashing goals

Ticked off a few of my jobs today! Feeling super proud of myself. I did stay in bed for most of the morning but it was cold so I’m taking that hehe. Once I got up, I managed a shower (possibly the last one was 3 days ago), then walked Daisy down to my favourite coffee shop. My stupid card played up so I couldn’t buy a coffee, but the gorgeous owner said I could have one on him… so yay coffee! And my first people interaction in days! It’s amazing what a good cup of coffee and someone calling you awesome human can do for your soul.

Daisy and I walked back up the hill with a bit of rain on us. Then I started in on my housework. It felt so good to get my kitchen back in order. I have also set up my exercise room ready to start daily yoga or walking practice for when I can’t make it to class or walk Daisy outside. I started mopping the floors but my mop head finally gave the ghost and disintegrated into pieces!

I took my beautiful coffee table book that Daisy stars in upstairs to show to my landlady and her sister. My second people interaction for the day! After that it was off to yoga. I actually made it! I was going to do both classes but my shoulders are still sore so didn’t want to upset them further with downward dogs. The deep stretch class was amazing and we finished it with legs up the wall pose. I forget how good I feel after that inversion. I think I will try and remember to do 10 minutes of that each night before bed to help with relaxation. I really have to start getting to one class at least every day. It’s my aversion to mornings that stops me achieving this but I’m just going to have to get up when that 5.30am alarm goes off! It’s guaranteed to be the best hour of my day and I need to do it.

I tried to do my supermarket shopping but my card wouldn’t work there either so that was frustrating. I think it’s still waiting for the funds that are in there to clear. Maybe Monday it will work. I hope so! Because otherwise I’m going to run out of toilet paper and petrol to add to having no milk or coffee in the house! It sucks when things just get away from you!

Back to work tomorrow. Time to settle in and make some money so that if I don’t have employment after September ends I at least have something in the bank for a few weeks buffer. It was funny to see my old job pop up in my emails today. If it wasn’t such an effort to uplift my life and move home again, I could be tempted. I’m sure the Farmers Palmy crew would love having me back in the office hehe.

Well I have a few more things to achieve before bed, including writing some things in my bullet journal that I have been ignoring, and printing some gorgeous photos of my nephew to add to my book! It’s also time to set some smart goals for the next month. I need lists to track my awesomeness!!

Hope you are all well and surviving each day as it comes. Sending out lots of love and kindness to everyone and don’t forget to hug a puppy if you need to feel better xx Daisy is my lifesaver… even when I bath her and she hates me for the rest of the day!!

Dream sweetly!!

Tuesday

I had to call these ones days of the week so I can keep up with what day it is. Sleeping all day can really mess with your awareness of what day it actually is. And I slept until after 3pm today. Well not all asleep. I did read a book tucked up with Daisy for a while. And tomorrow I get to wake up when my alarm goes off at 7.30am and start my day by 8! I want to take Daisy for a quick walk around the block before I pack my bag for the day and head off to work at 11am. I’m keeping my positive vibes pumping about going back and trying not to let that horrible anxiety come back and slam into my brain. I’m much better at my job when I am relaxed and not full of tension and ready to spring on the next customer!! I’m so much easier to talk to when I’m relaxed and I was just working out how to be that version of myself just before I got sick. Just because I have had 5 days off the phone does not mean anxiety gets to jump on board my calls tomorrow!! I have goals to hit that I want to smash through and anxiety will keep me from success. So anxiety, I block you from my day tomorrow. The whole day!!

I managed a few small chores in the later part of today. I got the floors that needed it most vacuumed and washed and put my rugs back in place. My kitchen is tidy and just needs the rubbish taken out before the trucks come in the morning. Another chore to force myself up a couple of hours before starting work. Me and daisy need to hit the pavement for 30 minutes a day to get out fitness back up and she won’t walk on the treadmill with me so we have to brave the current freakish weather. I really must buy an umbrella ☂ that will help a little bit with the rain thing. Did you know you can get them for dogs too? I haven’t gone quite that far… but I’m probably close to it having looked at Daisy’s wardrobe today…I looks better than mine!!! Might be time to take some of the colours in her wardrobe and work then in to mine to help brighten up the black and white! I’m thinking about learning to walk in heels again too. Get some strong sexy calves sticking out from under beautiful dresses I’ve yet to buy from That Shop. Doing any walking at all is going to be the first step.

I started working on the quotes I want around me that will probably influence the vision boards. I think I’m going to be working on 3 boards. Travel. Self care. Local adventures. And maybe I need that fourth Fashion board. I love to dress up and look good and I wish I had pieces that I could look at and get inspired at every season. For example this season I want this coat…

And a couple of dresses…

And this next dress is my favourite at the moment

And they are all just sitting there at City Chic waiting for me to style them into my wardrobe. But that’s about $900 of clothes right there. So it’s got to be about the look for the season. The wearability cos I will wear everything way more than once. The flexibility of being able to change up a look and not be it exactly the same. It would involve getting back into my love of accessories, and that would all lead to putting me in my fashion out in the world. Which I guess can only be better than chucking on sweats and an old T shirt to get out of the house. That also requires shaking that thought of it doesn’t matter how I present myself, no one will be interested in me anyway. But I think that if we do want to meet new people and step out of our comfort box to do new things, then why not put out a face you would be a happy to look at. Cos if nothing else, walking past shop windows and catching your hot self looking back at you is always awesome. And if you’re making an effort it’s good for self esteem. I know that if I’m having one of those weeks where I don’t even go near the shower, sometimes brush my teeth, don’t look in a mirror for days… the only way to feel better is to break them nasty habits and force myself to clean up. Force that shower and wash that hair, brush them teeth and use that skincare product I love so much. And do it all In A mirror. Style that long messy curls or shove it up out of the way and add a necklace. Add some mascara, a hint of blush, a pop of rouge. Or go naked face but with your best smile on show! There’s a truth to that saying if you look good you feel good. And if you think you look good, own it! I read a quote on Kikki K website today that was on a little key ring I might have to get that say own you. Just own you.

So part of this project Suzy stage is really going to be about owning me. Embracing those colours that I want in my life (and not just by putting them in Daisy’s wardrobe) , embracing the people that keep coming into my life to help shape it, finding little projects that I can break my hours up into so I don’t get obsessive about one thing and have that be the end all. It’s time to go where the love is. Right now my love is family, friends, Daisy, and future adventures!! And I’m going to split them all up onto different vision boards and pour love into each one. Keep the vision strong. Train that brain to wake up every day and look straight at the positivity just glowing from the walls. It’s time to level up! And take control of the things I can control and leave alone the things I cannot.

It is what it is.

Not my problem.

Leave it at the door. 🚪 both sides of it.

Drop the pain and distractions from home outside the door to work. They will still be there in 8 hours. Enjoy your work. What will be will be. It is what it is. It’s not personal. Be that person who helped someone else smile just because you approached them with a smile. If it becomes a war, with angry words, frustrated people, constant battles where your smile fails, leave it at the door. Don’t take that bag home with you. Pick up the one you left earlier and notice it feels lighter. Some of the things that weren’t so important after all have slithered away. And now that the work bag is on the other side of the door 🚪 that keeps the home bag lighter still. At home focus on problem solving what is left without all the interference of work drama. And do it all with a smile on your face knowing that you took time for yourself at the start of the day, to look good, feel better. And be sure to reward yourself before bed! With reflection, with a cuppa tea, glass of red wine, a chapter of a new book, or my favourite puppy snuggles and a meditation. Unwind for sleep so we can get up and repeat it all again the next day.

I sometimes feel that all I ever want is to be happy. But I get lazy and expect happiness to drop in front of me from outside me. But that’s not how happiness works. True happiness comes from within, and shines out. We can project happiness but we can’t grab onto the edge of someone else’s happiness and claim it as our own. Happiness has to come from within. We have to be invested in it or it’s just an act and can be snatched away so easily. There are times when I like to put my happiness and my depression in the arena together in the back of my mind and just let them fight it out. It’s too much trying to be everything I think I should be. It creates so many layers of anxiety that I don’t need. If they need a really big fight about who controls me at the moment I read a book, or colour in. I introvert for a while and wait the outcome. It might take a couple of days of not showering or talking to anyone before I’ll start to feel happiness and self care creep back in. But a day or two here and there is 1000 times better than not being able to get up off the floor because depression has won every fight and is leaking out my eyes for a week!!

Building the toolkit to fight depression and anxiety is just so important. Being able to reach into that box and come up with the right tool for the right job makes my world a much better place. And it’s a better experience for those who have to be around me too.

And I have been a little bit rambling tonight! It happens when I don’t get to talk to people for days!! I’m so looking forward to getting back into civilisation even for just one day!! Blog posts will probably get shorter and maybe have more direction going forward hehehe

Or not… xx

Getting creative

Today I had another push to take my writing to the next level.  Apparently it’s not always awesome just reading about my boring day to day life 😂. I’m supposed to do something creative with my writing skills!

So I took a baby step and signed up for a free online creative writing course. It’s just a few emails over a few days with ideas on how to get started and get creating and to build an ideas journal (I see a trip to Kikki K in my future) that I can start writing short stories from and then maybe more.  There is a paid online course for fiction writing so that is always an option if I find myself really enjoying the writing process again!  It has been many years since I have put my mind to fiction and I still feel that I may not have enough life experience to really create something awesome but I’m going to give it a go!

So stay tuned for my future attempts at short story writing. You can be my critics hehe.

Xx

Not sleeping.

You know those nights where there is too much on your brain to even think about sleep? Welcome to my brain!!! I figured that since I get to listen to its shit, you might as well enjoy some of it too.  On the menu tonight is my ex boyfriend, (What a surprise that is!), my lack of income (and dwindling funds), medical issues (I’ll spare you those details), and this coming months chocolate ban. 

I am failing on all counts re the ex boyfriend.  Last nights dreams are still on my mind so I am trying to either not think about him, or not sleep.  I really don’t need to be trying not to sleep. I need sleep. Lots of it!! And this is my version of not thinking about him… Coming up with smart ass one liners I could have thrown at him back then if I wasn’t in such shock. Umm…. That’s still thinking about him.  I do occasionally wonder what he is up to and if he got to head out on his “big adventure”, but mostly I don’t give a shit.  I mean he’s the one that lied to me for months.  He doesn’t deserve my interest or attention.  And he certainty needs no place in my before sleep brain soup or during sleep dreams!!! Bugger off already!

I’m seriously running out of money and I’m hardly even spending it to begin with.  Today I went to the mall and spent $30.  I got an eyebrow shape to tidy my face and feel better about myself.  Then I got a caramel mocha for my walk home.  I’m fairly certain the coffee wasn’t necessary but oh my it was delicious.  My next outgoing is to pay for the certificates you need over here to be able to work with alcohol or gaming machines.  I really really really don’t want to get back into hospitality but there are jobs out there.  I’m not having much luck with anything else so it’s time to start looking at my third option. I can’t believe it’s July in a couple of hours!

We will skip over the details but I am going to need to see a doctor sometime in the next few weeks. That scares me on its own! I need to go to the library tomorrow and print off the forms I need for my Medicare card.  I think I have the supporting paperwork sorted, I just need the form.  And to figure out where to sign up. A chat with Dr Google is in the cards.  I do love google hehe.

Due to the consumption of multiple king size blocks of salted caramel chocolate in the last couple of weeks, I am back on a chocolate ban for July.  I now have friends linked to my Fitbit account so it’s time to do some challenges and get my walking back up.  I have to go first thing in the morning or late afternoon to miss the heat for puppy.  She doesn’t like overheating! I might use my maps to work out a 3k walk for us to get started on. Walking the dog is a great free activity and I can think about all the money I’m saving on chocolate… Mm chocolate… What was I talking about again? Hehe 😜

And that’s just the highlights reel.  It looks all nice laid out in topics like that, but believe me when I tell you that all the above thoughts, plus many many others, are doing the rounds in my head at the same time. It’s quite the mess.  But maybe after writing some of it down my brain will quiet and sleep will come. I can only hope. 

Now it’s time to fight Daisy for some bed space, switch on my sleep meditation soundtrack, and dream of anything other than all of the above! Hope you have no trouble drifting off xx

Dreams and Motivation.

I usually dream quite often.  A lot of the time I can even remember my dreams! Sometimes I will dream and it will seem so real that it feels like a memory.  Sometimes I dream and I wake up in physical pain.  That happened this morning.

I have been dreaming about Ian.  A few nights ago he was just in the background, barely worth thinking about. Last night he was the focus and though I cannot remember the details, I woke up hurting just as much as I did when he first said he was leaving me.  I hate that feeling.  I finally got used to not feeling it.  I know it was just a dream but when you wake up feeling as real as that it is pretty hard to shake off.  I tried to go back to sleep and he was still there in my thoughts.

I am sitting in front of my computer trying to apply for more jobs.  But I don’t feel right.  I feel like I am missing something.  That all the healing I have been doing has disappeared somewhere and I am back to feeling unwanted and gross.  It is not good for my head space, especially when I struggle with writing cover letters and choosing jobs to apply for as it is.  My motivation to do anything other than sleep it off is gone.

I know it is just a moment in time and I will feel better again this afternoon, but right now maybe it is time for a walk.. or some chocolate.  I don’t think I am going to achieve much more just sitting here.

D-day

So today has arrived. The day he is supposed to leave me for good.  I keep dreaming about him. In my dreams he is sleeping around with anything that moves.  He was away all weekend so in my dreams he spent the weekend with girls.  I don’t like waking up from those dreams. My chest feels sore and I want to cry. Then I think about it some more and realise it doesn’t matter. They are just dreams. I need to let go. Of him and the dreams.  But these things take time.

I’m exhausted. This cold keeps cutting me down. I’m not sleeping well. I can feel the claws of depression starting to sneak in and take hold.  The stress is huge. I know I need to focus on myself and get me better, both physically and mentally, but I’m still too focused on the break up.

We have a meeting about the house this morning. It’s the biggest thing left hanging over us.  Once that is resolved and he leaves, there really isn’t anything left to keep us in contact.  I keep imagining myself sending him Daisy updates.  But he is leaving her. He doesn’t deserve to know how she is doing. The habit of wanting to keep him in the loop of everything going on is going to be a bitch to break.

So I had better get up and get this day rolling.  Nothing is going to stop it from happening. See you at the other end, whisky and Guinness in hand.

Happy St Patrick’s day all xx

Winds of change

I’m in my new flat tonight. It’s 430am and a street sweeper just barrelled on past. It’s noisy here. I miss the quiet!

I have Daisy with me tonight. She makes the camp stretcher bed seem very small for the two of us. Hopefully the new bed will be more comfortable for us. It makes me consider bringing up my bed from home but I really don’t want to sleep there without Ian.

I hung my canvases yesterday. It has already made a difference to the room. I can lie on the bed and look at my vision board, imagining just being on the beach without a care in the world… Not that it is easy to imagine that at the moment.

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep. Traffic noise, wind and rain is just too much to listen to. This is going to take some getting used to. It’s my weekend now and it has a list as long as my arm to get done in it. Hopefully I can catch some sleep so I can get everything done.

I miss Ian. I know he is just on the other side of town and I will see him in a few hours, But it’s not the same. I miss the closeness you get with that one special person. I miss cuddles and giggles and kisses. And on nights like this I still can’t believe he has tossed me aside like yesterday’s news.

I’m normally a fan of change. Not so much this change though.

Sweet dreams to all of you.

Xx