Toolkit

Today’s tool from the kit was about being kind to myself. It’s a struggle when the negative thoughts creep in and suddenly you’re not good enough for anything. But I’m a big fan of kindness. It’s free to give! Sprinkle that stuff around like glitter, I say! But how easy to send it outwards and never inwards. We all know glitter sticks to us as well as anything else it’s supposed to be on, so sprinkle that glitter kindness on ourselves too!

For my self care today, I went and met with a friend and her dogs that I’m looking after this weekend, spent some time at two of my favourite coffee haunts, and lazed in the pool for most of the afternoon.

Visiting with my friend and talking with a couple of friends has really started to get me thinking seriously about taking up pet sitting. I’m weighing up doing it on my own with my current network or joining a company. There is a bit of research to do and I’m going to enjoy sinking my teeth into that over the next few days.

Sniffing out the imposter dogs!!

On my way to my second coffee of the day, I received a call about a potential temp job. Once I settled in with my delicious coffee with fresh homemade almond milk (so delicious!) I called the company back and made arrangements for an interview with them tomorrow. So now I have two interviews tomorrow in the city. It’s supposed to be 31 degrees so I’m hoping there is also lots of air conditioning to be in!! I have plans to hit the pool as soon as I get home in the afternoon if it doesn’t storm before I get home!

Today was my first swim this season. And it was gorgeous. The water was just cool enough to take the heat out of the day and I’m pretty sure I avoided getting sunburnt – totally a win for me! It was so nice to just feel weightless. Stress is such a heavy burden and with all I achieved this morning, I felt completely okay about relaxing in the water. Self care for the win!

And now it’s time to fold my wings and settle into sleep. I took some anxiety medication and have lavender in the diffuser again ready to help lull me off into la la land. I have to be up at stupid o’clock tomorrow so I can meet all my appointments.

So don’t forget about kindness!! When you send that glitter out to everyone else, don’t forget about you. It makes a world of difference.

Love and sweet dreams to all xx

Smashing goals

Ticked off a few of my jobs today! Feeling super proud of myself. I did stay in bed for most of the morning but it was cold so I’m taking that hehe. Once I got up, I managed a shower (possibly the last one was 3 days ago), then walked Daisy down to my favourite coffee shop. My stupid card played up so I couldn’t buy a coffee, but the gorgeous owner said I could have one on him… so yay coffee! And my first people interaction in days! It’s amazing what a good cup of coffee and someone calling you awesome human can do for your soul.

Daisy and I walked back up the hill with a bit of rain on us. Then I started in on my housework. It felt so good to get my kitchen back in order. I have also set up my exercise room ready to start daily yoga or walking practice for when I can’t make it to class or walk Daisy outside. I started mopping the floors but my mop head finally gave the ghost and disintegrated into pieces!

I took my beautiful coffee table book that Daisy stars in upstairs to show to my landlady and her sister. My second people interaction for the day! After that it was off to yoga. I actually made it! I was going to do both classes but my shoulders are still sore so didn’t want to upset them further with downward dogs. The deep stretch class was amazing and we finished it with legs up the wall pose. I forget how good I feel after that inversion. I think I will try and remember to do 10 minutes of that each night before bed to help with relaxation. I really have to start getting to one class at least every day. It’s my aversion to mornings that stops me achieving this but I’m just going to have to get up when that 5.30am alarm goes off! It’s guaranteed to be the best hour of my day and I need to do it.

I tried to do my supermarket shopping but my card wouldn’t work there either so that was frustrating. I think it’s still waiting for the funds that are in there to clear. Maybe Monday it will work. I hope so! Because otherwise I’m going to run out of toilet paper and petrol to add to having no milk or coffee in the house! It sucks when things just get away from you!

Back to work tomorrow. Time to settle in and make some money so that if I don’t have employment after September ends I at least have something in the bank for a few weeks buffer. It was funny to see my old job pop up in my emails today. If it wasn’t such an effort to uplift my life and move home again, I could be tempted. I’m sure the Farmers Palmy crew would love having me back in the office hehe.

Well I have a few more things to achieve before bed, including writing some things in my bullet journal that I have been ignoring, and printing some gorgeous photos of my nephew to add to my book! It’s also time to set some smart goals for the next month. I need lists to track my awesomeness!!

Hope you are all well and surviving each day as it comes. Sending out lots of love and kindness to everyone and don’t forget to hug a puppy if you need to feel better xx Daisy is my lifesaver… even when I bath her and she hates me for the rest of the day!!

Dream sweetly!!

Cold

Heading for 6 degrees tonight. Not cool Brisbane… well… actually…. too cool Brisbane hehe.

I’ve had a couple of self induced stress days. Anxiety is up, and logical, rational Suzy has moved off somewhere I can’t find her. And it’s so frustrating.

I felt like I was standing outside my body today, watching myself be ridiculous. I wanted to yell at myself and tell me to snap out of the ridiculous. It’s just a job. It’s just work. It’s not the end of the world. It’s ok to not have a good day everyday. It’s ok not to be the best at everything. And it’s not ok to self sabotage all the good things just to justify an end that is probably going to be the best thing for me anyway.

I just feel so stuck.

I’m not used to failing at work. Work is the one thing I’m good at! I know I make mistakes and I’m far from perfect but I can usually learn and move on and just get better. I don’t know why I can’t here. It’s a mental block that’s been up since the early months and I can’t move it. But I don’t know what else to do.

I have no passion for anything. I have no career goals, no vision for my life. Money is obviously not a motivator for me because otherwise I would be killing it in this job. I don’t know what my motivator is. All I can see is the things I’m not good at, and just can’t see the things I am good at. And this is all sounding like a giant pity party and it’s pissing me off because I was really starting to get my head back in a good place and now this!

I want to scream.

Ugh.

I bailed on yoga again tonight for the second night running. Daisy has been giving me lots of love and I need to repay her with walks after work tomorrow and on my days off. I’m so grateful for her in my life. She reminds me that to take care of her, I gotta take care of me.

I’m sticking around home this weekend. I’m booked in to do a yoga for anxiety workshop on Friday night. It’s at the city studio so obviously I’m already feeling anxious about trying to find the place. I have the day off so I know I will find it in plenty of time, either by bus or finding a nearby car park. I also need to give my house some love. The floors need washing and the beds need changing. I want to set up a little office space so I can have somewhere to go in the house to look for my “what to do next”. The front room is clear of its bed now so I’m going to move the treadmill and set up a yoga space in one end, and a study space at the other. A nice separate place for me time. I want to feel like I’m at least in control of something since my head seems to be spinning out again.

Next week is birthday week. I need that to be a good week. I love birthdays and love celebrating them, and I have lots of family to enjoy it with this year too. I just have to make it through the next 6 days. Then I get to hang out with my mum, get my hair done, go to a show with my sister, have birthday lunch with family, and then I’m volunteering at this years Paws at the Park!! Daisy and I are going to do dog yoga and then we are helping with the stage events for a couple of hours! I’m so excited about playing with all the dogs.

Maybe I need a dog related job. Surely there’s one out there for snuggling all the dogs all day every day? Hehe

Ok enough drama for one night. Tears are dry (thanks Daisy), breathing is normal, and happy thoughts about hugging all the puppies are in my head.

Sweet dreams everyone. Give yourself some love… I promise to try give me some too.

Xx

Sads

What a rough 24 hours! I went to bed in tears last night, woke up in tears, went to work – cried, went to a BBQ, cried walking back to my car, went to the house, cried all over Ian, and the house… So many tears!!! Hopefully it’s just hormones gone crazy (I am a girl after all) and not the start of a depression sink.  Although I do need to pay closer attention to what medications I am taking at night… I may have been missing my happy pills and taking extra hayfever pills by accident…

I took another step towards independence today. I put my car on Trade Me  (shameless plug – if you know anyone wanting a new car send them to my listing!).  This was achieved through a window of tears as I thought about how excited I was when I bought it and how much fun I have had with it.  I got that car the same month I got Daisy.  

Then I started missing the cats. Daisy was curled up asleep on the floor exactly where Rio used to be and it set me off. I miss my Cosmos cuddles so much! I spent some time on Pinterest today looking at small cat tattoos. Something I could get that would represent them being with me forever.  I miss my babies. 





And there go the tears again. At least these ones are just leaking out my eyes and not involving full body convulsions. They are probably my cue to go to sleep.  A 6am start is going to come around any second now…

Broken stomach…

It seems my broken heart actually lies in my stomach.

I have this heavy feeling that I am carrying around and when I really start to think about how life is changing I get sick. I’m trying not to cry and cry today. It’s in the back of my mind to just hide in bed and never come out. But that’s what depression does. I can’t let this heartache (or stomach ache is more appropriate I guess) send me back to the place I have worked so hard to get out of. Does that make me strong? I certainly hope so.

I couldn’t sleep last night for the thoughts and questions running around my head about the night we set the end in motion. There are things I don’t know and that he is not telling me and I’m starting to think about them. I had to write everything down just so I could some rest. I looked over my scribblings this morning. I’m not going to like many of the answers I’ll get…. If he even gives them to me.

I’m also worrying about making rash decisions in too much of a hurry. I suspect my mourning period is going to be far longer than I want it to be. And maybe it’s best to be around my friends while that happens?

I thought I would know by the end of this trip what I would want to do next. But now I’m not so sure. I guess the only thing I can do is keep that butterfly in the forefront of my mind and take every step towards becoming her.

At least this face brightens my life…

Becoming real

My baby cat has a new home 😞. I’m happy she is in a wonderful place and settling in so well but oh my it’s breaking my heart.

We took her out there on Monday night. I told Ian I wanted to be there to make sure she was ok. I cried my heart out on the way. I held it together mostly when we were helping her settle in. I cried myself sick on the way home having left her behind.

Cosmos has been my baby girl for nearly 7 years. Getting her into a new home has made this all hit home even harder than moving out did. It’s almost at no going back point. I think I like to keep fooling myself into thinking he is going to change his mind and I can have my life back. But even if he did, it would never be the same 😢

I’m in a different city from him now. Just for a few days. I’m hoping the space will help sort my head out and not do the opposite and just make me miss him more. I’m talking a lot about moving to the Gold Coast in the near future to start again… But my heart isn’t feeling it yet. Stupid thing wants what it cannot have.