Smashing goals

Ticked off a few of my jobs today! Feeling super proud of myself. I did stay in bed for most of the morning but it was cold so I’m taking that hehe. Once I got up, I managed a shower (possibly the last one was 3 days ago), then walked Daisy down to my favourite coffee shop. My stupid card played up so I couldn’t buy a coffee, but the gorgeous owner said I could have one on him… so yay coffee! And my first people interaction in days! It’s amazing what a good cup of coffee and someone calling you awesome human can do for your soul.

Daisy and I walked back up the hill with a bit of rain on us. Then I started in on my housework. It felt so good to get my kitchen back in order. I have also set up my exercise room ready to start daily yoga or walking practice for when I can’t make it to class or walk Daisy outside. I started mopping the floors but my mop head finally gave the ghost and disintegrated into pieces!

I took my beautiful coffee table book that Daisy stars in upstairs to show to my landlady and her sister. My second people interaction for the day! After that it was off to yoga. I actually made it! I was going to do both classes but my shoulders are still sore so didn’t want to upset them further with downward dogs. The deep stretch class was amazing and we finished it with legs up the wall pose. I forget how good I feel after that inversion. I think I will try and remember to do 10 minutes of that each night before bed to help with relaxation. I really have to start getting to one class at least every day. It’s my aversion to mornings that stops me achieving this but I’m just going to have to get up when that 5.30am alarm goes off! It’s guaranteed to be the best hour of my day and I need to do it.

I tried to do my supermarket shopping but my card wouldn’t work there either so that was frustrating. I think it’s still waiting for the funds that are in there to clear. Maybe Monday it will work. I hope so! Because otherwise I’m going to run out of toilet paper and petrol to add to having no milk or coffee in the house! It sucks when things just get away from you!

Back to work tomorrow. Time to settle in and make some money so that if I don’t have employment after September ends I at least have something in the bank for a few weeks buffer. It was funny to see my old job pop up in my emails today. If it wasn’t such an effort to uplift my life and move home again, I could be tempted. I’m sure the Farmers Palmy crew would love having me back in the office hehe.

Well I have a few more things to achieve before bed, including writing some things in my bullet journal that I have been ignoring, and printing some gorgeous photos of my nephew to add to my book! It’s also time to set some smart goals for the next month. I need lists to track my awesomeness!!

Hope you are all well and surviving each day as it comes. Sending out lots of love and kindness to everyone and don’t forget to hug a puppy if you need to feel better xx Daisy is my lifesaver… even when I bath her and she hates me for the rest of the day!!

Dream sweetly!!

Failure

I have spent the last few days trying to pinpoint what it is that is causing these panic attacks. I saw my doctor on Tuesday and she put me off for the week to try and get better. I have some medication to take when I feel the anxiety start to build, and I have been taking it before bed because as soon as the lights go out my brain fires up, telling me all about what a failure I am.

Failure. It seems to be what is setting me off. It brings guilt and anxiety and stress and self dislike. It makes me feel like it doesn’t matter if I don’t get out of bed because no one wants me around anyway. It makes me shrink into this hole and just play and replay every mistake I have ever made. It doesn’t seem to matter if I have learned and moved on from the past, this anxious mind just keeps pulling from it.

I haven’t left the house in two days. I need to change that tomorrow. I need to see people. I need to do normal things again, like go to the supermarket, attend a yoga class, walk the dog. I need to clean my house, put things back where they belong, recreate the order that I’ve lost in just 4 days of this panic disorder.

I need to breathe. I’m in so much pain through my shoulders and neck and there is a headache that won’t let up from all the tension. I need to let go.

It always amazes me how quickly things can fall into disarray. This time last week I was on top of everything and feeling good about life and where it’s going. Crazy that it can turn on its head so quickly. There has been a lot around about mental health again at the moment and the high suicide rates. I’m thankful every morning that I never ever have suicidal thoughts. The panic and anxiety make me want to hide from the world but I still want to be in it. Just being able to write here and share some of the crazy on paper helps me reconnect to the world. Time to start climbing out of this rut and back to the top.

Be kind to yourselves and tell those people you love that you love them.

Xx

After midnight

I’m lying in bed having a mild panic attack about going back to work tomorrow. “Back” because I’ve been off sick for a week again. Bloody flu got me and stole my voice.

I’m not really sure why I’m panicking about it. I haven’t felt anxious about it in months. But there is change in the air so maybe that’s what is sparking it.

The call centre I work in is getting a refurbishment so we are in a new location for a few months. Tomorrow is my first day in that new location. It’s going to mean getting used to a different layout, a different feel about the place. Sometimes change can be good, we all know this, but I feel nervous.

I also have a different manager again. I got so comfortable with our temporary manager and now I’m nervous about going back. I think I’m getting the hang of things but I’m not confident and all that adds to the drama that my brain makes up for me.

I’ve also spent a lot of time on my own this week (for obvious sick reasons). I did get to visit my old place of work and seeing everyone so excited to see me had me really considering what I’m doing now. I wish it wasn’t so hard to get a permanent role in department store retail. I’m good at that.

Not that I’m not good at what I do now. The demons are just stirring in my head again. The nerves start to stir up imaginary accusations. I start to feel like “everyone thinks”. I haven’t worried about what other people think for a couple of months now. I don’t want to fall back into that bad habit. Because I know I’ll never measure up to what I think everyones expectations are.

Depression is such a bitch. It really doesn’t take much for it to seed and try to bloom again. I’ve been so happy and functional these last 2 months. But knock me down with one flu and it’s like the walls I climbed over have sprung up ahead again… and looming always closer.

I made it to yoga today. I’ve been too sick to go. It hurt. It was hard. I sweated all over my yoga mat. I felt uncoordinated and like a very big fish out of water, flopping around. But I remembered to be kind to myself. The second hour was much better and I remembered to give myself love and kind thoughts. And then I came home.

I’m sure that once I get back in the building tomorrow all will come right. The panic will ease and the routine will take over. I’ll see familiar faces and talk to people. I’ll take calls with a smile and aim to deliver my best service as always. I’ll get that little thrill when a customer says how good I was at helping them with their enquiries, even if it’s as they hang up, telling whoever is in the room with them. I’ll remember that it’s not rocket science, and that if I don’t know something I can ask. I’ll remember there’s a hold button (and still apologise for the hold music as I use it). I’ll know that if I make a mistake, it’s not the end of the world. I’ll just learn from it and try not to make it again. I’ll breathe in and out, the same as any other day.

Because it’s just work. It’s just a part of my life, not who I am. It’s the same as it was last week and the week before. And it’s nothing like what my brain in it’s panicked state is trying to tell me it is. It’s just that my brain has had too much alone time and it likes to make things up when it’s bored. This is great for my creativity when I need it, but not great for day to day living. It’s been keeping up more than usual this week. And let me forget that writing helps me unwind, helps me relax and get out the words that are flying around taking up too much of my sleeping space.

So now I might sleep. The words are here instead of spinning in my head. My breathing is slowing back to normal. I can hear the rain. There are still tears, but they will dry (or Daisy will lick them off my face). And I’ll wake again in 8 hours and still be me. The same awesome person I was when I woke up this morning ready to tackle the world.

Sweet dreams all. Be kind to yourself always and love freely.

The wellness battle

I swear my body is laughing at me. Me, I love to laugh. Laughing is my most favourite activity and anyone that has ever worked with me can usually tell when I’m near due to my volume… but today, every time I opened my mouth I just felt like I was going to vomit on something. And it’s the second Monday in a row.

Allergic to Monday’s I hear you hypothesise? Hehe yeah, nah.

The reason I think my body is taking the piss is that I have finally been looking after it well! I’m eating really well thanks to Youfoodz and their fresh, delicious meals, I’m down to one coffee a day (from my favourite coffee shop down the road), I’m drinking water and herbal tea again and my exercise routine actually is a routine!! Love my yoga! Also it’s July so no alcohol past these lips either, and my mental health hasn’t been this good since long before I moved to Australia. WTF body?!

Does this happen to anyone else? When you finally feel like you’re getting your act together and cleaning everything up, all the crap rises to the surface?! What am I doing wrong?? Oh the frustration.

I have an appointment with my favourite doctor again this week. Someone let her have a holiday so I didn’t get to see her last week when I was sick. Might be time for a wellness overhaul for my body now we have my mind under control. I hate feeling sick. Especially stomach sick!!

I’m also starting to feel very finite in my job. My contract expiry date is looming and after the year I’ve had, I’m not sure I would extend it!! I just want to be good at my job but I can’t do that if I keep getting sick and not being there. I’m trying not to stress myself out because I do have a savings plan and I have almost paid back one of my major debts completely so I’ll be ok for a month or so if the worst happens. But we all know how much I hate looking for work! I’m not sure I can put us all through those horrors again hehe.

Well, not to be too graphic, but my stomach is starting to rise again so I better sign off. Hope you are all feeling much better than I am!!

Peace, love, happiness and wellness to all!!

Xx

Red red wine

Ran out of sleeping pills today so went to the bottle store and asked the attendant for a cheap red wine recommendation. For some reason I have been craving a glass of red wine since I started my antibiotics. Now that I have finished them I indulged. A gorgeous Shiraz by Sister’s Run. I meant to stop at one glass, but hello glass number 3, how delicious you are!

I was trying to hide the bottle from myself in the tea section of my kitchen… obviously didn’t work as well as I wanted it too hehe.

I’m just getting pissed off at my body now. I have managed to make it to the end of each day at work for the last 2 days. I have had to do a lot of apologising in the last couple of hours of each shift as my voice keeps trying to leave me again, but I am making it through a full day. If anyone asks how I am, I just say I’m good apart from my sexy voice. It’s got a few laughs from customers and colleagues alike. I had one staff member say she thought I was looking extra sexy today (she couldn’t see me – different department!) and another customer tell me he loved me at the end of a call (a habitual mistake I’m thinking). So at least we are all laughing… and I only cried once this week! The main reason I’m pissed at my body is that I’m starting to feel cold symptoms on top of the sore throat. Ugh. Just one more day to survive then I get to have a rest day. Then after working the weekend, I get to scoot off to Melbourne for a few days of escape and R&R!!

I am going to miss my little girl though. Daisy is off to her other family for a week. She is going to be super spoiled I’m sure!! But I won’t be the only one missing her! She has been spending my day shifts with my landlady and her dog. She comes inside when I get home and basically passes out for the rest of the night! I barely get a cuddle! I love that she can spend the day with her other other family while I’m at work. It makes me feel better that she is being stimulated and is happy to be out and about during the day instead of asleep inside all the time. Spoiled pup.

I still haven’t got my vision boards up on the wall. I need to get to the craft store to get some more stuff. After Melbourne trip I think. I’ll be adding photos while I’m there anyway! I’m so very much looking forward to getting away for a few days to reset! Plans so far include the aquarium and glow in the dark mini golf. So excited!

Well, I had better finish this glass and head to bed. One more day and then I can have a sleep in! Day shifts are hard work when you like a sleep in…

Sweet dreams all! Xx

Monday

Resting is hard work when you would rather be somewhere else. I think I’m starting to feel better at least. My throat still hurts but it doesn’t feel as swollen anymore, and my voice has reached squeaky so I can only assume that’s better than it’s sexy counterpart. And I have had miss Daisy for company all day.

She didn’t want to get up this morning so we both stayed in bed until after 1pm. At least she is an excellent rester hehehehe.

The sun was shining today too so I made sure we got outside for some vitamin D. I always feel better when the sun is shining, but it’s about to go away again. Heading into more rain for the rest of the week. It’s been so grey lately that it was a pleasure to soak up some rays this afternoon.

Hopefully I’m feeling loads better tomorrow afternoon and can finish off a couple of chores around the house and maybe get started on things for my vision board. I have my theatre ticket saved and I’m sure I have some quote cards in my stationary box that I can look at for motivation and to add to my board. I should really get a board to put them on too. I do have a bit of wall space I can use in the meantime though. I’d like to at least have something on the go before my appointment on Thursday. Must remember to drop into the store front at work when I’m allowed back, and see if I can get a couple of maps of Brisbane and the Gold Coast and start marking off the things I’ve done and look for more things to do. Or I’ll just spend another day in bed with my books and leave everything else for the weekend!

Time to try for some sleep. I had a horrible sleep last night because I’m trying not to rely on my sleeping pills as much, so I didn’t take one. Dumb idea. Sleep is good for healing so I need lots of it!! Luckily I can sleep during the day with more luck. Naps are my friend… in moderation when not sick and necessary when am sick!

Ok I’m rambling now. Night night xx

Sick.

Again.

I am well over all things to do with being unwell!! I finally find an excellent rhythm at work, start hitting my little daily goals every day, and now I’m sick again. I started to lose my voice a little bit on Thursday night but got to the end of my shift happily. Woke up feeling like my face was swollen on Friday and just hoped I would make it through the day. I barely managed 3 hours. Once the cough started every couple of minutes as well as the sexy voice (you know that one where you can barely scratch out a word let alone a whole conversation) I had to call it a day. I saw my doctor yesterday morning and she said my throat was pretty nasty and even my ears were red! Hello mean little virus. I’m on rest to try and beat it and hope it doesn’t get worse.

Weeks ago I booked a ticket to the theatre and that happened to fall last night. I really didn’t feel like going but the show is pretty much sold out and I really didn’t want to miss it. I hadn’t been using my voice so my cough wasn’t evident either. I rugged up (it was only 20 degrees last night – freezing!) and drove myself to the Queensland Performing Arts Centre for an incredible performance of The 39 Steps. Such a clever play!! I loved being back in the theatre again, getting caught up in the fabulous story and being surrounded by a full house. I’m going to have to look into what else they are showing this year and try to get to another one.

Hopefully next time I won’t be sick and can rely on public transport to get me there and back. Driving there was fine and I didn’t get lost once. Driving home I got lost about 4 times. I’m sure the GPS lady in my phone was starting to get annoyed with rerouting me every 2 minutes!! Next time I’ll just drive to the closest train station and park there. The train stops right outside the theatre and would save me that city driving experience!

Today has been a day of total rest. I stayed in bed until my hips hurt and suggested I get up and move around a bit, and then bundled up in my blanket and sat outside in the fresh air for a while watching Daisy chase birds. We both fell asleep on the couch before dinner and now we are fighting over space in the bed. She always wants the spots my legs want to go! And now it’s time to drift off.

Night all xx

The only problem

With sleeping for 2 days, is that now my body thinks it’s had enough and is keeping me awake! There’s a hint of I can’t win here… Hehe.

I am very pleased to report that after said 2 days sleep, I am finally feeling well again! Yee ha! My cough is pretty much gone and my brain feels like it could go back to work tomorrow… Except I have another day off yay hehe. Tomorrow I’m getting back into the gym for a body balance class.  I haven’t done one before so I’m looking forward to it.  I’m also going to take advantage of the steam room to chase out any lingering respiratory issues after class. I have worked out my bus timetable and have my alarm set nice and early… Now I just need to fall asleep! I have tried 3 rounds of my sleep meditation but that hasn’t worked so it might be time to try the relaxation meditation ending in sleep.  Something has to work! 

I have a few errands to run after the gym tomorrow. Changing addresses all over town, shopping in typo for some fun things for my desk, planning the rest of my week around work. I’m excited about having a busy day! I have been enjoying my sleeping days far too much…

Oh yay it’s raining! Maybe that will put me to sleep! Night night all xx

Crazy times

I’m officially moved in to my new place. And it’s perfect… Almost. Apparently I should have checked the last bus times before I took the room… There are no buses to my place after 5.25pm. It seems I will need to save for that car sooner rather than later!! 

It has been a crazy 2 weeks. I have been full of a cold, still trying to work, and moved house.  I haven’t been anywhere near my gym and now I have to find out if I can transfer to the Robina gym because it’s easier to get to than Helensvale. I had all my ducks lining up but now they have scattered themselves a bit again! 

I have unpacked almost everything in the new place.  Not everything is where I want it yet, but I’m working on getting it where I want.  I have added a wish list tab to my planner and add things I keep thinking of to improve my space to the list.  That way I can include something in my budget each fortnight if I can afford it.

Having my planners has made a huge difference to how I run my life.  Taking that time to sit down and prioritise my day, my purchases, my health goals, is making a huge difference to my stress levels.  I’ve had people tell me to stop writing things down and just start doing things, but I tried that way and it didn’t work out for me.  This way helps me organise my thoughts and eliminates so much stress that I actually feel different! Plus I have always loved the satisfaction of ticking off a to do list hehe.

My insomnia is back at the moment but I’m sure it’s just from the huge changes that have happened so quickly. Also I haven’t been working hard at the gym wearing myself out hehe. I’m sure that once I get back into a routine and feel more settled in my new surroundings I’ll start sleeping again.  My new room is so quiet and dark that I know once I get the rest of the formula right I’m going to sleep amazingly well.  

Work is also going well. I’m getting more hours at the moment and really enjoying being there.  There is a team leader position being advertised at the moment that I am considering applying for.  I need to sit down and read through all the requirements and go over my experience and probably get some advice from the managers before I submit anything, but it’s a good feeling to even want to apply. It’s a similar role to what I was trying to get in my old job, so we’ll see.  Even if nothing comes from it, I am loving feeling inspired enough to try!

And all that is happening while I’m fighting off a depressive episode.  Being sick has not helped my mindset. I have been feeling horrible. And fighting the miserable sick feeling to prevent it from becoming the miserable depression feeling.  I’m finally feeling well again and aim to be back at the gym on Tuesday.  But I’m still having those crazy bad thoughts that were triggered a couple of weeks ago. I don’t even look in the mirror at the moment because I don’t like what’s there. I tell myself to stop being silly about it but the thought patterns are being a bitch to break. And that affects my confidence.  I’m telling myself I’m loveable every day. Might be time to change it up a little and tell myself I’m beautiful. Ugh. 

Anyway, I should try and get some sleep because I need to check off a few things on my to do list tomorrow and I won’t do it if I’m tired!! Sweet dreams everyone!! Xx

Blurgh

I am pretty sure that I have been asleep more than than I have been awake over the last few days.  A bit of a cold has settled on my head.  I just want to sleep! Mostly so that the headache goes away.  I have minor sniffles and cough, but it’s the headache that’s breaking me.

I went to the library for a couple of hours today just so that I didn’t spend all day in bed.  I even got a few more jobs applied for and wrote my hospitality cv since I finally completed the required certificates you need here to work in a bar.  Tomorrows job is to get those cv’s to the online applications and the local taverns. I need income!  That’s if I wake up at all.

It’s a good thing my Daisy loves a cuddle.  She has been my snuggly companion for the last few days.  I love that she still chooses to sleep in my bed even though sometimes she loves my niece more than me… Maybe she kicks her in her sleep hehe.

Right, time for more panadol and then off to sleep again. Sweet dreams xx