Insomnia

So I’m not coping as well as I am trying to tell myself I am. And it’s manifesting in my inability to sleep at night!! At least tonight there is rain to try put me to sleep. Though it has ruined my weekend plans for going to Australia Zoo tomorrow and the thunder that cracked overhead nearly two hours ago was what woke me from my 2 hours of early sleep. Oh well.

I had an interview on Wednesday and I feel like it went well. It’s a job I think I would be really good at and enjoy so fingers crossed. I should hear about it early next week. I have another interview lined up next week and am still waiting to hear from MYER about Christmas casual work (they are doing their next lot of interviews soon). I like to think I’m not in panic mode yet, but it’s starting to be a bit terrifying. As soon as it’s quiet my brain heads into overload and wants to tell me all about the bad things that could be coming in my near future. Thanks brain.

One of my favourite people in the whole world arrives back in Queensland tomorrow. I can’t wait to see him. It still doesn’t feel real that he’s moving back, so maybe when I get to see him it will sink in! Best friends are the best to have around. People that know you’re a bit nuts but still hang out with you anyway hehe. And he will finally get to meet my Daisy girl.

Ok so I’m running out of things to say to try keep on the positive side of life so I think I’ll try and get some more sleep. Or maybe go for a walk around the house and have some water. Or another glass of milk. Or a shower. Or start a new book.

Insomnia sucks.

Hope the rest of you are sleeping ok and be kind to yourselves and each other. Love freely xx

Hello

Is is me you’re looking for?

Hehe sorry, it’s late on a Monday night and I’m a couple of glasses of wine in and emotionally exhausted.

It happened today. My contract ended and I have nothing to go to. And I’m devastated.

Not about the job. The work wasn’t right for me. I need to be out with people, not tied to a phone. It took surviving this last year to cement that fact. But I did it. I survived it. And in the end, I think I got pretty good at it.

I’ve said for a while now how disappointed I am about failing at this job. But when I really look back, I didn’t fail it. It failed me.

And I can walk away with my head held high. Because I did something I really didn’t think I could do there, and I’ve made some incredible friends. It was such a lonely job in the beginning. Not being able to talk to anyone around me and just talking at a computer all day. It set off a mental health crisis like I haven’t seen in a few years. But once I figured out that I needed to include face time with real people, I started to come into my own.

I got a gorgeous card from my team today and almost every comment mentioned my laugh. For as shit as I have felt this year, for as low as I have been, knowing that I was able to laugh through it all, and have other people enjoy that about me makes me pretty happy. I may have struggled, but I sure did have some fun!

And now I get to bore you all again with my hunt for the next adventure. Job hunting is my least favourite thing to do (as anyone that has been with me a long time knows). But I feel okay about it this time. I hesitate to jinx it but I almost feel confident in my ability to grab on to my next job and fill it with the life that is me. I have an interview on Wednesday this week and a pile of saves in my job hunting profiles to start applying for tomorrow. I’m organised enough with MyBudget to be safe without income for over a month (though I’d rather not be pushing that hehe) and I have renewed interest in my yoga practice.

I made it to class after work tonight and it was just what I needed. I was barely holding it together after leaving work but I knew I would feel better if I could focus on me. And when we went into a sphinx pose with the option to open out over the bolster and rest our heads on a block instead of the traditional up on the elbows back bend, I lost it. Tears just streamed down my face for the whole five minutes as we held the pose. A position of surrender. And I was able to forgive myself. The release was quite something.

And now here I am. Right on the midnight of another day. It’s time to embrace the adventure that is change, the adventure that is my life, and Daisy cos she is really snuggly tonight hehe. Sleep well all, and take the time to thank yourself for getting through each day without taking a life.

Love to everyone xxx

Need kisses??

Smashing goals

Ticked off a few of my jobs today! Feeling super proud of myself. I did stay in bed for most of the morning but it was cold so I’m taking that hehe. Once I got up, I managed a shower (possibly the last one was 3 days ago), then walked Daisy down to my favourite coffee shop. My stupid card played up so I couldn’t buy a coffee, but the gorgeous owner said I could have one on him… so yay coffee! And my first people interaction in days! It’s amazing what a good cup of coffee and someone calling you awesome human can do for your soul.

Daisy and I walked back up the hill with a bit of rain on us. Then I started in on my housework. It felt so good to get my kitchen back in order. I have also set up my exercise room ready to start daily yoga or walking practice for when I can’t make it to class or walk Daisy outside. I started mopping the floors but my mop head finally gave the ghost and disintegrated into pieces!

I took my beautiful coffee table book that Daisy stars in upstairs to show to my landlady and her sister. My second people interaction for the day! After that it was off to yoga. I actually made it! I was going to do both classes but my shoulders are still sore so didn’t want to upset them further with downward dogs. The deep stretch class was amazing and we finished it with legs up the wall pose. I forget how good I feel after that inversion. I think I will try and remember to do 10 minutes of that each night before bed to help with relaxation. I really have to start getting to one class at least every day. It’s my aversion to mornings that stops me achieving this but I’m just going to have to get up when that 5.30am alarm goes off! It’s guaranteed to be the best hour of my day and I need to do it.

I tried to do my supermarket shopping but my card wouldn’t work there either so that was frustrating. I think it’s still waiting for the funds that are in there to clear. Maybe Monday it will work. I hope so! Because otherwise I’m going to run out of toilet paper and petrol to add to having no milk or coffee in the house! It sucks when things just get away from you!

Back to work tomorrow. Time to settle in and make some money so that if I don’t have employment after September ends I at least have something in the bank for a few weeks buffer. It was funny to see my old job pop up in my emails today. If it wasn’t such an effort to uplift my life and move home again, I could be tempted. I’m sure the Farmers Palmy crew would love having me back in the office hehe.

Well I have a few more things to achieve before bed, including writing some things in my bullet journal that I have been ignoring, and printing some gorgeous photos of my nephew to add to my book! It’s also time to set some smart goals for the next month. I need lists to track my awesomeness!!

Hope you are all well and surviving each day as it comes. Sending out lots of love and kindness to everyone and don’t forget to hug a puppy if you need to feel better xx Daisy is my lifesaver… even when I bath her and she hates me for the rest of the day!!

Dream sweetly!!

Cold

Heading for 6 degrees tonight. Not cool Brisbane… well… actually…. too cool Brisbane hehe.

I’ve had a couple of self induced stress days. Anxiety is up, and logical, rational Suzy has moved off somewhere I can’t find her. And it’s so frustrating.

I felt like I was standing outside my body today, watching myself be ridiculous. I wanted to yell at myself and tell me to snap out of the ridiculous. It’s just a job. It’s just work. It’s not the end of the world. It’s ok to not have a good day everyday. It’s ok not to be the best at everything. And it’s not ok to self sabotage all the good things just to justify an end that is probably going to be the best thing for me anyway.

I just feel so stuck.

I’m not used to failing at work. Work is the one thing I’m good at! I know I make mistakes and I’m far from perfect but I can usually learn and move on and just get better. I don’t know why I can’t here. It’s a mental block that’s been up since the early months and I can’t move it. But I don’t know what else to do.

I have no passion for anything. I have no career goals, no vision for my life. Money is obviously not a motivator for me because otherwise I would be killing it in this job. I don’t know what my motivator is. All I can see is the things I’m not good at, and just can’t see the things I am good at. And this is all sounding like a giant pity party and it’s pissing me off because I was really starting to get my head back in a good place and now this!

I want to scream.

Ugh.

I bailed on yoga again tonight for the second night running. Daisy has been giving me lots of love and I need to repay her with walks after work tomorrow and on my days off. I’m so grateful for her in my life. She reminds me that to take care of her, I gotta take care of me.

I’m sticking around home this weekend. I’m booked in to do a yoga for anxiety workshop on Friday night. It’s at the city studio so obviously I’m already feeling anxious about trying to find the place. I have the day off so I know I will find it in plenty of time, either by bus or finding a nearby car park. I also need to give my house some love. The floors need washing and the beds need changing. I want to set up a little office space so I can have somewhere to go in the house to look for my “what to do next”. The front room is clear of its bed now so I’m going to move the treadmill and set up a yoga space in one end, and a study space at the other. A nice separate place for me time. I want to feel like I’m at least in control of something since my head seems to be spinning out again.

Next week is birthday week. I need that to be a good week. I love birthdays and love celebrating them, and I have lots of family to enjoy it with this year too. I just have to make it through the next 6 days. Then I get to hang out with my mum, get my hair done, go to a show with my sister, have birthday lunch with family, and then I’m volunteering at this years Paws at the Park!! Daisy and I are going to do dog yoga and then we are helping with the stage events for a couple of hours! I’m so excited about playing with all the dogs.

Maybe I need a dog related job. Surely there’s one out there for snuggling all the dogs all day every day? Hehe

Ok enough drama for one night. Tears are dry (thanks Daisy), breathing is normal, and happy thoughts about hugging all the puppies are in my head.

Sweet dreams everyone. Give yourself some love… I promise to try give me some too.

Xx

The wellness battle

I swear my body is laughing at me. Me, I love to laugh. Laughing is my most favourite activity and anyone that has ever worked with me can usually tell when I’m near due to my volume… but today, every time I opened my mouth I just felt like I was going to vomit on something. And it’s the second Monday in a row.

Allergic to Monday’s I hear you hypothesise? Hehe yeah, nah.

The reason I think my body is taking the piss is that I have finally been looking after it well! I’m eating really well thanks to Youfoodz and their fresh, delicious meals, I’m down to one coffee a day (from my favourite coffee shop down the road), I’m drinking water and herbal tea again and my exercise routine actually is a routine!! Love my yoga! Also it’s July so no alcohol past these lips either, and my mental health hasn’t been this good since long before I moved to Australia. WTF body?!

Does this happen to anyone else? When you finally feel like you’re getting your act together and cleaning everything up, all the crap rises to the surface?! What am I doing wrong?? Oh the frustration.

I have an appointment with my favourite doctor again this week. Someone let her have a holiday so I didn’t get to see her last week when I was sick. Might be time for a wellness overhaul for my body now we have my mind under control. I hate feeling sick. Especially stomach sick!!

I’m also starting to feel very finite in my job. My contract expiry date is looming and after the year I’ve had, I’m not sure I would extend it!! I just want to be good at my job but I can’t do that if I keep getting sick and not being there. I’m trying not to stress myself out because I do have a savings plan and I have almost paid back one of my major debts completely so I’ll be ok for a month or so if the worst happens. But we all know how much I hate looking for work! I’m not sure I can put us all through those horrors again hehe.

Well, not to be too graphic, but my stomach is starting to rise again so I better sign off. Hope you are all feeling much better than I am!!

Peace, love, happiness and wellness to all!!

Xx

Adventure time

Today I had my second meeting with my tool kit builder. It’s funny because I cried all over her today over nothing even really remotely as emotional as we spoke about at my last meeting. Funny how brains and leaking eyes work. But anyway, today we talked about adding adventure to my life. It’s not the first time she has told me that I’m young (well ish hehe) single and should be having fun. This time we went into more depth about what that might look like.

She used the word adventure. It’s such a provocative word. Makes me think of when I was a kid, reading books like Trixie Beldon and the Famous Five. The worlds where things were all care no responsibility. It’s a word that definitely wakes up my imagination. Somewhere in the last 10 years I seem to have lost my sense of adventure. “No fun Suzy” became real instead of just a stupid joke once uttered. And now I feel awkward about doing anything remotely out of the box.

I’m off on a bit of an adventure tomorrow. I’m going to IKEA for the first time ever. This is pretty dangerous as I’m sure I’m going to need one of everything, but I’m so excited about it! Yes it’s just a store. I know that. But it’s one I’ve been waiting to reward myself with! And now I get to go there armed with ideas on how to plot my adventures. It’s time the vision board made a comeback in my life. I’m not sure if you remember the one that lead me here, but this new one is going to lead me on my adventures. I’m going to find all the things I can do in a weekend and do them. Especially if I can take Daisy with me. A dog I follow on Instagram got to go and have a staycation on the Sunshine Coast! How much fun would that be! It’s time to take ownership of me again.

I was reflecting on my life after my appointment today. The doctor is right when she points out that I’m all work and no play these days. It starts to feel like I’m just living to work instead of working to live. I have an amazing level of income now and I’m still living like I can’t enjoy that. I am paying off debts and saving for holidays, but not doing anything fun with my weekends. I sit at home because I don’t have any money to do anything… but I kinda do now. I just have to put it to an adventure instead of a bottle of wine or UberEATS home food delivery. There is no reason I cannot take myself to a restaurant if I want to eat something I didn’t cook, or get the bus to South Bank and have a glass of wine at one of the beach front pubs if I want a wine. I know enough people to ask someone if they want to meet up somewhere now. They can only say no right?

My company is worth way more than I ever give myself credit for. It has to be. Or I wouldn’t have such an interesting collection of people around me. It’s so stuck in my head that I’m not interesting enough, or good enough, or anything enough, to engage in new relationships with people. I don’t ask new people I meet if they want to spend time with me because I think that I’m intruding on their already established lives and they couldn’t possibly want to include me in anything. It’s better I just keep my own company because then I’m not inflicting myself on anyone else. Self esteem issues?! Probably something for my next meeting hehe.

Anyway, this blog is starting to turn into a pity party when it’s supposed to be about sparking adventure. Starting tomorrow I’m setting up my new vision board and planning to add fun into my life. I’m going to work on leaving work at work and turning my time into something important. I will still need that quiet time to sit and read a book, but I can do that anywhere. I don’t have to be sitting with no one, experiencing nothing. The great adventure awaits!! Let’s get living xx

Restricted

I haven’t been around lately because I have so much going on in my little head that I don’t know where to start. There’s things that I want to talk about but other people don’t want me to talk about and things that I want to talk about but I’m stopping myself from bringing up because it feels like I’m going over old ground. Ugh, messy head!!

I have been having nightmares lately.  Not scary nightmares, ex boyfriend nightmares. It’s been over 18 months – surely I’m past this crap?! I do so well not to even think about him in my every day stuff now. He doesn’t come to mind when I’m watching sport or a favourite shared TV show, and I no longer want to tell him things. But he won’t get out of my dreams!!! Then I get to wake up with that little bit of heartbreak again. It would be easier if I was hating him in my dreams I guess but they all seem to be about him hurting me again and lying all the time. It so needs to end cos it’s so not fair when I’m trying to deal with everything else I have going on. Get out stupid boy!!!!

It’s July next week and I’m setting myself a little challenge.  I do this occasionally and can usually stick to my guns.  Normally I give up chocolate for a month here and there.  This time I’m giving up all drinks except water and green tea.  I’m so useless at trying to hydrate on things like orange juice and wine (hehe) and never remember to drink water.  I’m doing very well off coffee and don’t reach for it as my first option anymore. Although I do enjoy a nice sugary iced coffee flavoured milk drink most work mornings. I have started feeling unwell again lately and I know I need to drop out some of the sugary habits that have crept in so far this winter. I am up 3kg this month and I really need to put a halt to that before I’m suddenly where I don’t want to be anymore. 

I start with My Budget this week.  I have already remembered things that I forgot to put in it so need to email my person and adjust things.  Seriously even when I’m helping myself I’m still useless with money hehehe.  Once I add in these last couple of things and get a quote for repairs on my scooter then that should be the last thing I have to worry about for a while and I can just let my budget do its own thing. After that all I need to worry about is my weekly allowance and making sure I don’t forget to buy groceries with it! 

Well, I feel a bit better for getting some of that out of my head so maybe I can try for sleep.  Sweet dreams all! It’s supposed to be the coldest day of the year here tomorrow so I’d better snuggle close to Daisy hehe 

Xx

My budget

Finally doing something about my finances. I woke up in the middle of the night a couple nights ago and was so stressed out about money and making sure I meet all my debts and the scary bully baycorp lady was choking me in my dreams… So I called My Budget. 

I have a meeting set up with them on Monday to create a budget and get the help I need dealing with baycorp.  The lady I spoke to was Sussie so already I felt like I was doing the right thing hehe.  After the free consultation on Monday, I get to choose if I want to work on my own with their budget or continue to get help from them.  The continued help obviously comes with fees involved but to be honest, if they can help me build a future with my finances as well as clear my past, then it’s a very small price to pay. 

I’ll let you know how things go! It’s scary asking for help (especially in a depressive episode but more on that later 🙄) but I felt a weight lift off me already today.  Bring on Monday’s consult!

Dusting off the CV

Now many of you that have been on this little journey with me know that I hate job hunting. It’s frustrating, overwhelming, disheartening, and all those other words. I really thought that I was done.  I thought that once I had this job I would prove my worth and they would fall over themselves to keep me!  But there are what seems like 100 other Christmas casuals fighting for the same result and I just can’t see a win.

I need full time employment.  Here that is about 38 hours a week.  I think I could live on 30. The higher pay rates would help it feel like I was earning at least what I left in NZ.  Full time jobs are very hard to come by and seem to be even harder to get.  But I have to start trying now.  The word among the other staff is that January will see work dry up and to expect only 1 shift here and there. I can’t afford for that to happen to me.

So it’s back to the grindstone.  I tried for my first application on Saturday.  It wanted to know what my greatest achievement is and how that will help me work for them. Needless to say that application remains incomplete. I need a few practice ones before I tackle those sorts of questions again!! 😂😂

I apologise in advance for any rants and raves that may follow about the job hunting process (again), but wish me luck anyway hehe

Xx

Dream goals…

I had a conversation with a friend a couple of weeks back that I have kept in the back of my mind. He said to me that it must feel good to be finally working on the dream that I set out here for. I replied with this was an escape route not a dream! He told me I should always have a dream, always.

I have been thinking about what my dream goal could be now. And I still don’t really know! I miss having a companion so I guess I would like to meet someone to share my life with again. But not by having to compromise myself ever again.  I am still learning about who I am on my own.  That just might take a long time! So there is really no rush there. 

I love my new job so hopefully I can stay in it and become a fixture there like I was at Farmers.  But at the same time I don’t think I want my life to be about work again.  Being here on the GC is starting to feel like when I lived in Wellington.  The freedom of being my own person, single for the first time in years, learning about who I am (catching the train every day!!).  But when I lived in Wellington I spent a year working myself to exhaustion. I know I can’t say that about being here (4 month holiday after all) but I don’t want to turn into that person who is work focused only.  I want to explore my new home!

I’m a little stuck financially until I get my NZ finances back under control. But I feel like I am getting somewhere with my budgeting and my focus on getting to the other side! I am using the numbers app on my phone to do a budget (and try stick to it – the hard bit!). I bought myself a time planner a couple of days ago so I can keep track of work hours, events, expenses, and carry it with me to keep me accountable for my time and my money! 

So maybe my dream for now is to make it to February, job still in hand, financially stable (if not free of my nz debt) and as happy as I am today. That’s pretty big! And then in February, me myself and I can have this conversation again.

Xx