Day 2 down

Just 3 more days to get through. It was definitely easier today. My voice hung around for a whole lot longer and I was in the call centre with everyone else. I made sure I talked to people around me so I felt like I was getting out of my head, and that definitely helped improve my mood!

I did catch myself with the bad head talk though. Why is it so easy to hate on ourselves, but so freaking difficult to say kind things to ourselves?? It puzzles me that I still think it’s more okay to put myself down than to recognise what’s good in me. And I know I’m not the only person that does that! There are whole industries built around us humans hating on ourselves. But I digress…

I cannot believe tomorrow is August. Today was my 1 year anniversary at My job. A year has gone so fast. The best thing about August is my birthday, obviously hehe. 37 this year!!! The last 17 years have vanished so incredibly quickly. I swear I was just at University…

Anyway, I had better try and get some sleep. My house is starting to feel messy again and I really need to get up on my first alarm (not the 8th one) in the morning and do something about it. Or at least get my kitchen sorted! A clean kitchen makes the rest of my house happy. Hope you all sleep as well as miss Daisy does (as pictured below… she really does make getting up in the morning a challenge).

Made it

I made it through my day with very little drama. I knew I would. It took 5 hours before I settled in to the work again though. I was having minor freak outs for the first 2 hours and then started to settle in. It was busy which helped! You don’t get time to panic when there’s 30 calls waiting for you.

I’m picking tomorrow will be easier again. Though I have run out of coffee money so it could also be a disaster hehe.

I used a couple of tools today to pull me up. One was finding some affirmations I could latch on to and then writing them in my bullet journal that I still keep with me daily. I had pictures of my dog and my dog nephew that had space around them so I put in a couple of affirmations. The first one was “today I will be fearless”. The other one was “if life throws me challenges, I can overcome them”. Life is throwing myself in my own way again! Ugh. I’ll get better at this again.

The other tool was reminding myself about life outside work. Looking at photos I have in my journal, making plans for my birthday week, snuggling Daisy so much I’m sure she’s ready for me to go back to work again. Grounding myself back in my world. Find the solid things to hold on to and focus on them. Don’t let my stupid brain run off with itself. Stop comparing myself to other people. Ground back to me.

I’m starting to ramble which means I’m ready to shut down for the night. I’ll check in again tomorrow and hopefully will be feeling more like myself again! Well, my happy self that I was enjoying so much!

Sweet dreams and be kind to yourselves xx

After midnight

I’m lying in bed having a mild panic attack about going back to work tomorrow. “Back” because I’ve been off sick for a week again. Bloody flu got me and stole my voice.

I’m not really sure why I’m panicking about it. I haven’t felt anxious about it in months. But there is change in the air so maybe that’s what is sparking it.

The call centre I work in is getting a refurbishment so we are in a new location for a few months. Tomorrow is my first day in that new location. It’s going to mean getting used to a different layout, a different feel about the place. Sometimes change can be good, we all know this, but I feel nervous.

I also have a different manager again. I got so comfortable with our temporary manager and now I’m nervous about going back. I think I’m getting the hang of things but I’m not confident and all that adds to the drama that my brain makes up for me.

I’ve also spent a lot of time on my own this week (for obvious sick reasons). I did get to visit my old place of work and seeing everyone so excited to see me had me really considering what I’m doing now. I wish it wasn’t so hard to get a permanent role in department store retail. I’m good at that.

Not that I’m not good at what I do now. The demons are just stirring in my head again. The nerves start to stir up imaginary accusations. I start to feel like “everyone thinks”. I haven’t worried about what other people think for a couple of months now. I don’t want to fall back into that bad habit. Because I know I’ll never measure up to what I think everyones expectations are.

Depression is such a bitch. It really doesn’t take much for it to seed and try to bloom again. I’ve been so happy and functional these last 2 months. But knock me down with one flu and it’s like the walls I climbed over have sprung up ahead again… and looming always closer.

I made it to yoga today. I’ve been too sick to go. It hurt. It was hard. I sweated all over my yoga mat. I felt uncoordinated and like a very big fish out of water, flopping around. But I remembered to be kind to myself. The second hour was much better and I remembered to give myself love and kind thoughts. And then I came home.

I’m sure that once I get back in the building tomorrow all will come right. The panic will ease and the routine will take over. I’ll see familiar faces and talk to people. I’ll take calls with a smile and aim to deliver my best service as always. I’ll get that little thrill when a customer says how good I was at helping them with their enquiries, even if it’s as they hang up, telling whoever is in the room with them. I’ll remember that it’s not rocket science, and that if I don’t know something I can ask. I’ll remember there’s a hold button (and still apologise for the hold music as I use it). I’ll know that if I make a mistake, it’s not the end of the world. I’ll just learn from it and try not to make it again. I’ll breathe in and out, the same as any other day.

Because it’s just work. It’s just a part of my life, not who I am. It’s the same as it was last week and the week before. And it’s nothing like what my brain in it’s panicked state is trying to tell me it is. It’s just that my brain has had too much alone time and it likes to make things up when it’s bored. This is great for my creativity when I need it, but not great for day to day living. It’s been keeping up more than usual this week. And let me forget that writing helps me unwind, helps me relax and get out the words that are flying around taking up too much of my sleeping space.

So now I might sleep. The words are here instead of spinning in my head. My breathing is slowing back to normal. I can hear the rain. There are still tears, but they will dry (or Daisy will lick them off my face). And I’ll wake again in 8 hours and still be me. The same awesome person I was when I woke up this morning ready to tackle the world.

Sweet dreams all. Be kind to yourself always and love freely.

The wellness battle

I swear my body is laughing at me. Me, I love to laugh. Laughing is my most favourite activity and anyone that has ever worked with me can usually tell when I’m near due to my volume… but today, every time I opened my mouth I just felt like I was going to vomit on something. And it’s the second Monday in a row.

Allergic to Monday’s I hear you hypothesise? Hehe yeah, nah.

The reason I think my body is taking the piss is that I have finally been looking after it well! I’m eating really well thanks to Youfoodz and their fresh, delicious meals, I’m down to one coffee a day (from my favourite coffee shop down the road), I’m drinking water and herbal tea again and my exercise routine actually is a routine!! Love my yoga! Also it’s July so no alcohol past these lips either, and my mental health hasn’t been this good since long before I moved to Australia. WTF body?!

Does this happen to anyone else? When you finally feel like you’re getting your act together and cleaning everything up, all the crap rises to the surface?! What am I doing wrong?? Oh the frustration.

I have an appointment with my favourite doctor again this week. Someone let her have a holiday so I didn’t get to see her last week when I was sick. Might be time for a wellness overhaul for my body now we have my mind under control. I hate feeling sick. Especially stomach sick!!

I’m also starting to feel very finite in my job. My contract expiry date is looming and after the year I’ve had, I’m not sure I would extend it!! I just want to be good at my job but I can’t do that if I keep getting sick and not being there. I’m trying not to stress myself out because I do have a savings plan and I have almost paid back one of my major debts completely so I’ll be ok for a month or so if the worst happens. But we all know how much I hate looking for work! I’m not sure I can put us all through those horrors again hehe.

Well, not to be too graphic, but my stomach is starting to rise again so I better sign off. Hope you are all feeling much better than I am!!

Peace, love, happiness and wellness to all!!

Xx

July. Umm what?

And suddenly another month has vanished into thin air. How has it been over a month since my last post?!

I wanted to be well asleep by now because I have my alarm set to make the 6am yoga class in the morning and I figured it would be easier to get up if I went to bed early. I’ve been staring at the roof and listening to Daisy snore for nearly 2 hours! Stupid busy brain.

So when I last left you I was on holiday. It was the best two weeks I could have asked for. I did so much yoga! Including a candlelight meditation and blindfold yoga course and a neck back and shoulders massage course. Both were amazing. I felt like a floppy happy fish when I got home from the massage course! The rest of the two weeks was spent pottering at home, sitting in sun, went to a dog birthday party, and spent a couple of nights on the Gold Coast.

At the end of my holiday I got some of the worst news anyone can get. A friend of mine back home was killed in a car accident. Nicola is one of the kindest, funniest people I have met in this life journey, and her brother and sister in law were like family when I lived in Palmerston North. Even though it wasn’t easy, I organised with work to have the time to fly home to send her off and to be there with her family. And I’m so glad I did. The celebration of her life was something special and I still can’t comprehend how her friends and family are living without her. Rest in peace beautiful soul.

Once I got back from New Zealand I settled back into work and yoga. I’m not sure how I managed to survive without my yoga practice before now. It centres me in a way I haven’t felt in a long time. I was able to attend a meditation workshop one weekend and that was really interesting. I still haven’t given myself the time to sit and really work out what I want to do with the information I learned in that workshop yet, but I can see that it’s going to be important to develop a daily meditation ritual to help maintain my current level of sanity.

Speaking of my mental health, it seems I finally have it under control!!! Well, as well as I have ever had control over it. I feel happy. At work, I’m happy. At home, I’m happy. Walking Daisy or playing with the other dogs, I’m happy. Laughter is back in my life. I smile all the time! The moments of sadness still hit, but I’m learning to acknowledge them, and move on. I’m not walking around with my head in the future or stuck in the past. I feel like I’m part of my current surroundings and I’m so happy that’s the case!

I’m starting to make more friends at work, people I can talk to when off the phones or have lunch with. It’s so nice having other people to be interested in and who are interested in me. We had our team party last night and it was the most fun I have had in ages! From just spending time with people I see but don’t necessarily get to talk to every day (such is the nature of call centre work), to playing trivia (I knew like all the science answers…) and other games, to thoroughly enjoying the music in the background. I’m glad it’s July now though. No hangovers for a month as I take on my annual dry July self imposed challenge. Once again it’s not something I do any fundraising for, but if you know anyone that is or just want to donate to the cause, search dry July in your area and get behind it.

I think that’s me all caught up. I want to start learning things again so over the next couple of months I’m going to start looking into ways to keep my mind interested and learning new things. I always feel better when I’m using my brain productively and not letting it have time to wander. My focus is meditation and personality traits at the moment, so I’ll keep you posted on anything interesting I find. Maybe now I have filled this page my brain will let me sleep! Sweet dreams all and remember to hug your loved ones often, tell them you love them, and drive safe.

😘

Melbourne

I’ve been back over a week, but my headspace hasn’t been the best lately. Even in Melbourne I was not at my best. But I really did have an awesome time. It’s kinda like going home when I get to stay with Kieran and his family. I always feel welcome and I miss them all when I leave again!

It was a pretty awesome start to my trip. I had a lovely flight companion! We talked for the whole flight pretty much and when we landed she gave me a ride to Kieran’s! We stopped for lunch on the way and met another friend of hers. I love that there are such beautiful people in the world, and that something as simple as sitting with someone on a plane can make for an awesome day!

I was pretty exhausted by the time I got to Kieran’s so that night we indulged in way too much cheese and watched a movie. So good to relax! On Wednesday we went into the city for a bit of window shopping. And then went to Pricilla: Queen of the Desert the musical at the Regent Theatre. It was so awesome!! I knew all the songs and pretty much danced in my seat the whole night!

We had delicious cocktails too hehe

The next night we went clubbing… and that’s probably enough said about that. You just need to know that it meant Friday was basically a write off and April is a mostly dry month (except for when my cousin comes to visit in a couple of weeks cos we have to have a wine!!).

Melbourne even turned on the weather for my trip. Not a single rainy day! Hehe and temperatures in the 20s instead of low teens! I always think I want to move there. Especially when I come home again. Maybe I just need to do it. I have a couple of months to really think about what I want and where I want my life to go, so who knows.

My head is not in a good place for making decisions right now anyway. I know that much. I had my psychologist appointment on Thursday and it was almost the exact opposite of the last one. I didn’t want to be there, or talk about anything, or engage with her, or even be out of bed really. It was pretty clear by the end of the session that I’m in a low point of depression. I seem to have the anxiety mostly under control but that’s probably because my self care/care about anything button has been switched off. I cried on her again and promised to try and get myself back a bit. She sent me away with a promise to see my doctor for a medication review and to have a go at charting my moods (which I haven’t done yet so better get the chart out after this!). I saw my GP on Friday and she has added a different type of medication into the mix that can also help with my sleep problem. It’s definitely working for that as I have been asleep before midnight since I started taking it and that is very unusual! I have also been waking up at a reasonable time in the morning too. I even took Daisy out yesterday and today.

Yesterday we went to a Doggy Daycare opening party to have a look. It was a beautiful morning and the sun was out. Daisy got lots of pats and attention and had a play with some of the other dogs. I hid behind my sunglasses and pretty much only talked to the dogs. We were both exhausted from the strain of it all when we got home and slept for a couple of hours after lunch. It’s so weird for me to go into a situation like that and not at least try to meet the humans there. But this is where I am at the moment. Stuck in the why bother loop. The psychologist said I’m just going to have to go at everything with a “just do it” attitude until I balance out again. It’s to try and offset the “it’s easier not to” attitude.

Today is Orthodox Easter and my landlady invited me to join her and her friends and family for an Easter feast. So Daisy and I got up this morning, went for a walk in the sun, had a cuppa in the sun, and soaked up all the good stuff that sunlight can bring. We joined the party just as it was getting started outside. There was lots of food, laughter, sunshine, and food. And now I’m exhausted. So is Daisy! She went around to everyone here to make sure she got lots of pats and a morsel of food wherever possible. She was a hit with everyone. I’m not sure I even spoke much. Luckily there was lots happening so I could just concentrate on being around people and not retreating too quickly back into my house.

Tomorrow it’s back to work. In a way it’s a good thing I’m on the phones at the moment. It’s like the people on the other end of the line don’t count as real people, so it’s not such a big thing for me to be involved with anyone. I just need to focus on the work and make sure I’m doing my job correctly. I need to spend some time going over my training again I think. It’s probably just my brain telling me I’m not good enough, but it’s always a good thing to review my knowledge and make sure I really do know my job enough to be doing it 99% right all the time. I have felt like I have been making mistakes recently and that annoys me because I like being in control of my work and being at the top of my game. And there is so much to know in my job so sometimes it’s more about knowing where to find the information more than being able to recall the information. So that’s my goal this week. Get my good work rhythm back. Get my head at least back in the work game, even if it’s still struggling with the living aspect of life.

Well that’s probably enough from me today. It seems I had a bit to say after all. Writing this blog was another thing on my just do it list for this week and I really didn’t think I could. But here it is. I’ll check in again in a couple of days to report on how my mood charting is going (and my mood). Time to take Daisy for another walk. We need to walk off some of that amazing Greek feast we had for lunch!

Take care all xx

Red red wine

Ran out of sleeping pills today so went to the bottle store and asked the attendant for a cheap red wine recommendation. For some reason I have been craving a glass of red wine since I started my antibiotics. Now that I have finished them I indulged. A gorgeous Shiraz by Sister’s Run. I meant to stop at one glass, but hello glass number 3, how delicious you are!

I was trying to hide the bottle from myself in the tea section of my kitchen… obviously didn’t work as well as I wanted it too hehe.

I’m just getting pissed off at my body now. I have managed to make it to the end of each day at work for the last 2 days. I have had to do a lot of apologising in the last couple of hours of each shift as my voice keeps trying to leave me again, but I am making it through a full day. If anyone asks how I am, I just say I’m good apart from my sexy voice. It’s got a few laughs from customers and colleagues alike. I had one staff member say she thought I was looking extra sexy today (she couldn’t see me – different department!) and another customer tell me he loved me at the end of a call (a habitual mistake I’m thinking). So at least we are all laughing… and I only cried once this week! The main reason I’m pissed at my body is that I’m starting to feel cold symptoms on top of the sore throat. Ugh. Just one more day to survive then I get to have a rest day. Then after working the weekend, I get to scoot off to Melbourne for a few days of escape and R&R!!

I am going to miss my little girl though. Daisy is off to her other family for a week. She is going to be super spoiled I’m sure!! But I won’t be the only one missing her! She has been spending my day shifts with my landlady and her dog. She comes inside when I get home and basically passes out for the rest of the night! I barely get a cuddle! I love that she can spend the day with her other other family while I’m at work. It makes me feel better that she is being stimulated and is happy to be out and about during the day instead of asleep inside all the time. Spoiled pup.

I still haven’t got my vision boards up on the wall. I need to get to the craft store to get some more stuff. After Melbourne trip I think. I’ll be adding photos while I’m there anyway! I’m so very much looking forward to getting away for a few days to reset! Plans so far include the aquarium and glow in the dark mini golf. So excited!

Well, I had better finish this glass and head to bed. One more day and then I can have a sleep in! Day shifts are hard work when you like a sleep in…

Sweet dreams all! Xx

Panic attack

I haven’t had one for a while. My anxiety has been high but manageable. But now it hits. And it’s for stupid reasons. It’s like suddenly I’m panicking that I can’t function as a person in society. Like I’m in a bubble and no one can see me or cares if I’m there. Like I’m not loveable. That I’m friendless. This odd, lazy person who cannot look after herself. A black sheep. Always going to be alone. Always lonely. Always a disappointment.

But none of this is true.

I can definitely function in society. I might be a bit quiet until I’m comfortable, but I’m certainly not a social failure in any way.

I feel like I’m in a bubble because I haven’t been able to leave my house bubble for nearly a week because I’m trying to rest this damn virus away. But that doesn’t mean no one cares or doesn’t see me. There are always people checking in on me. Always. My absence will never go unnoticed. Because I am loved and I have friends.

I’m a little odd sure, but aren’t we all? We all have our little idiosyncrasies (totally needed spell check for that one) that make us different from each other. That’s being human. And obviously I can look after myself. I’ve made it to 36 so I can’t be doing a bad job! And I’m also caring for and looking after another life!! Daisy is happy and healthy and we get to the end of each day ready to snuggle up together (don’t trust me to keep a plant alive though, haven’t managed it yet!).

Anyone that’s met me knows I’m as pale as the next Irishman, so there goes the black sheep out the window (I know, I’m hilarious too).

I’m never alone. I have my constant canine companion, and friends and family a heartbeat away. Sometimes I miss being part of a couple, having that human company. But there are so many other days that I’m happy being single and learning about me. I don’t need to be in a relationship to validate who I am. I just need to be me. Daughter, sister, aunty, friend, dog mum (it’s totally a thing). Sometimes it’s lonely. But I have enough imagination that if it’s that bad in the middle of the night, I can slip into a book and join in on something else for a while. And if the feeling is still there in the morning, go to work and interact with new friends; go to a cafe with Daisy in tow and someone always stops to talk. It’s just a moment in time, not the end of the world.

And the only person that can really be disappointed in me, is me. And I’m so not. I’m working so damn hard to make something that’s uncomfortable for me become something that’s normal. I’m writing again. I laugh the loudest in my call centre because life needs to have joy… even when you work in insurance (!!).

This is why monitoring your self talk is so important. My voice has been quiet for 6 days but my brain has been working overtime in the background. Unchecked. Instead of fielding the negative thoughts and turning them around, they ran rampage. Not having my little goals to reach each day at work as I’m striving to make that a positive place, means more room for unchecked thoughts. Not working on little adventures to try and get more fun in my life, leaves more room for negativity. With depression and anxiety rolling around together it’s like my brain is automatically set to negative thoughts over positive. Some of you will know exactly what I mean. Others, maybe not. But I do know that I need to work on my self talk so I’m not that person hiding in my house with no desire to leave. I’m generally a happy person. Most people know this. I know this. But it doesn’t always come easy.

Writing this has helped talk me down from that panic attack. Writing things down helps me get them out of my head and into some sort of currency I can manage. When I read back on posts it totally feels like I’m more depressed more often than I think I am. But I guess that’s the stuff I need to get out of my head. I do know that if I’m writing, I’m more healthy than if I’m not. And yes it’s weird to run this blog like a stream of consciousness that nobody really needs to be part of. I don’t think I’m adding to anyone’s existence with my ramblings, but maybe it’s relatable sometimes and helps someone else go oh, I’m not alone in feeling like that. I’m not trying to change the world or anything so grand, but more trying to understand mine. Maybe it helps other people understand me too (especially that I’m hilarious – obviously).

And now we reach the end. My breathing has resumed normal pace, tears have dried on my cheeks, Daisy has snuggled that little bit closer as my heart rate slows back to normal. There’s no more panic that I’m going to wake up in the morning and all round fail at living. There’s just quiet. Well as quiet as it can be with the fan on and a water fountain that needs a refill. Slow, deep breathing helps me feel centred and comfortable in my bed, like I can now close my eyes and safely sleep. So I’m going to do that.

If you made it to the end, hi! Thanks for sticking with me on a journey that you probably didn’t need to come on, but it’s good to have you here. I hope you find your happiness when you wake up today and every day. And if you catch those negative thought patterns starting to emerge, kick them out with some affirmations. Cos we are all worth more than we probably think we are.

And now I’m definitely rambling! Sweet dreams ❤️

Tuesday

I had to call these ones days of the week so I can keep up with what day it is. Sleeping all day can really mess with your awareness of what day it actually is. And I slept until after 3pm today. Well not all asleep. I did read a book tucked up with Daisy for a while. And tomorrow I get to wake up when my alarm goes off at 7.30am and start my day by 8! I want to take Daisy for a quick walk around the block before I pack my bag for the day and head off to work at 11am. I’m keeping my positive vibes pumping about going back and trying not to let that horrible anxiety come back and slam into my brain. I’m much better at my job when I am relaxed and not full of tension and ready to spring on the next customer!! I’m so much easier to talk to when I’m relaxed and I was just working out how to be that version of myself just before I got sick. Just because I have had 5 days off the phone does not mean anxiety gets to jump on board my calls tomorrow!! I have goals to hit that I want to smash through and anxiety will keep me from success. So anxiety, I block you from my day tomorrow. The whole day!!

I managed a few small chores in the later part of today. I got the floors that needed it most vacuumed and washed and put my rugs back in place. My kitchen is tidy and just needs the rubbish taken out before the trucks come in the morning. Another chore to force myself up a couple of hours before starting work. Me and daisy need to hit the pavement for 30 minutes a day to get out fitness back up and she won’t walk on the treadmill with me so we have to brave the current freakish weather. I really must buy an umbrella ☂ that will help a little bit with the rain thing. Did you know you can get them for dogs too? I haven’t gone quite that far… but I’m probably close to it having looked at Daisy’s wardrobe today…I looks better than mine!!! Might be time to take some of the colours in her wardrobe and work then in to mine to help brighten up the black and white! I’m thinking about learning to walk in heels again too. Get some strong sexy calves sticking out from under beautiful dresses I’ve yet to buy from That Shop. Doing any walking at all is going to be the first step.

I started working on the quotes I want around me that will probably influence the vision boards. I think I’m going to be working on 3 boards. Travel. Self care. Local adventures. And maybe I need that fourth Fashion board. I love to dress up and look good and I wish I had pieces that I could look at and get inspired at every season. For example this season I want this coat…

And a couple of dresses…

And this next dress is my favourite at the moment

And they are all just sitting there at City Chic waiting for me to style them into my wardrobe. But that’s about $900 of clothes right there. So it’s got to be about the look for the season. The wearability cos I will wear everything way more than once. The flexibility of being able to change up a look and not be it exactly the same. It would involve getting back into my love of accessories, and that would all lead to putting me in my fashion out in the world. Which I guess can only be better than chucking on sweats and an old T shirt to get out of the house. That also requires shaking that thought of it doesn’t matter how I present myself, no one will be interested in me anyway. But I think that if we do want to meet new people and step out of our comfort box to do new things, then why not put out a face you would be a happy to look at. Cos if nothing else, walking past shop windows and catching your hot self looking back at you is always awesome. And if you’re making an effort it’s good for self esteem. I know that if I’m having one of those weeks where I don’t even go near the shower, sometimes brush my teeth, don’t look in a mirror for days… the only way to feel better is to break them nasty habits and force myself to clean up. Force that shower and wash that hair, brush them teeth and use that skincare product I love so much. And do it all In A mirror. Style that long messy curls or shove it up out of the way and add a necklace. Add some mascara, a hint of blush, a pop of rouge. Or go naked face but with your best smile on show! There’s a truth to that saying if you look good you feel good. And if you think you look good, own it! I read a quote on Kikki K website today that was on a little key ring I might have to get that say own you. Just own you.

So part of this project Suzy stage is really going to be about owning me. Embracing those colours that I want in my life (and not just by putting them in Daisy’s wardrobe) , embracing the people that keep coming into my life to help shape it, finding little projects that I can break my hours up into so I don’t get obsessive about one thing and have that be the end all. It’s time to go where the love is. Right now my love is family, friends, Daisy, and future adventures!! And I’m going to split them all up onto different vision boards and pour love into each one. Keep the vision strong. Train that brain to wake up every day and look straight at the positivity just glowing from the walls. It’s time to level up! And take control of the things I can control and leave alone the things I cannot.

It is what it is.

Not my problem.

Leave it at the door. 🚪 both sides of it.

Drop the pain and distractions from home outside the door to work. They will still be there in 8 hours. Enjoy your work. What will be will be. It is what it is. It’s not personal. Be that person who helped someone else smile just because you approached them with a smile. If it becomes a war, with angry words, frustrated people, constant battles where your smile fails, leave it at the door. Don’t take that bag home with you. Pick up the one you left earlier and notice it feels lighter. Some of the things that weren’t so important after all have slithered away. And now that the work bag is on the other side of the door 🚪 that keeps the home bag lighter still. At home focus on problem solving what is left without all the interference of work drama. And do it all with a smile on your face knowing that you took time for yourself at the start of the day, to look good, feel better. And be sure to reward yourself before bed! With reflection, with a cuppa tea, glass of red wine, a chapter of a new book, or my favourite puppy snuggles and a meditation. Unwind for sleep so we can get up and repeat it all again the next day.

I sometimes feel that all I ever want is to be happy. But I get lazy and expect happiness to drop in front of me from outside me. But that’s not how happiness works. True happiness comes from within, and shines out. We can project happiness but we can’t grab onto the edge of someone else’s happiness and claim it as our own. Happiness has to come from within. We have to be invested in it or it’s just an act and can be snatched away so easily. There are times when I like to put my happiness and my depression in the arena together in the back of my mind and just let them fight it out. It’s too much trying to be everything I think I should be. It creates so many layers of anxiety that I don’t need. If they need a really big fight about who controls me at the moment I read a book, or colour in. I introvert for a while and wait the outcome. It might take a couple of days of not showering or talking to anyone before I’ll start to feel happiness and self care creep back in. But a day or two here and there is 1000 times better than not being able to get up off the floor because depression has won every fight and is leaking out my eyes for a week!!

Building the toolkit to fight depression and anxiety is just so important. Being able to reach into that box and come up with the right tool for the right job makes my world a much better place. And it’s a better experience for those who have to be around me too.

And I have been a little bit rambling tonight! It happens when I don’t get to talk to people for days!! I’m so looking forward to getting back into civilisation even for just one day!! Blog posts will probably get shorter and maybe have more direction going forward hehehe

Or not… xx

Nature walk & toolkit talk

Taking Daisy for a long walk around our neighbourhood is starting to yield all sorts of fun things. We walked around the big block the other day and my phone said we clocked 3.5km. I really need to find the charger for my Fitbit and wear it again. I’m pretty sure it’s in a safe place…anyway, the first stop on our walk was the pet shop at Mount Gravatt. They have some awesome things in there and I could easily buy half the shop!! Yesterday we were on a bone mission. Pluto has started sharing bones with Daisy in the backyard. This could possibly be more accurately described as Daisy stealing bones off Pluto, but it turns out Daisy loves rubbing those teeth on a good size bone. She polished off the one she stole from Pluto so I thought we could look at the options at pet city. Really I just need to show you this photo so you understand how Daisy felt about her treat…

Bright eyes!! Hehe

After we made our purchase at the pet store we continued to take the long way home and came across a parkland area that included a dogs off leash section. And there were beautiful trees all around us helping to cool the temperature down a bit! We were both a bit thirsty by then and enjoyed the well placed fountain! Daisy looked like the little mermaid trying to get her drink on

I love her big and little dogs scaled back harness so much. My little scaly fish hehe. The park was a lovely big space with lots of trees for her to sniff and a nice place to just sit and enjoy the cool air and quiet.

I think we will visit this place a few more times. It’s a good walk to a halfway point for a rest and a play, and to reset before taking on the hills to get back home.

I know Daisy really enjoyed it – she slept like a solid log all night!!! The fitness goals in my tool kit currently include 30 minutes of walking every day. I got caught in about 10 minutes of rain when I got to work this morning and my shoes still won’t dry! I have a treadmill at home so I think I will have to make sure I log half an hour on that when I can’t get out with Daisy.

The other 30 minute tools in my kit are 30 minutes of sunlight every day and 30 minutes of meditation each day. I have to look at how I can include time to meditate before work to beat the anxiety, and after work to shake off the day. It’s about putting boundaries around things. So that when I’m at work my personal life stays out the door. Then when I leave work I can pick it up on the way home. It feels like a ships in the night kind of thing if I can make it work. But I need to be able to bleed a little both ways because work is the only way I know how to make friends so I need to bleed into outside work friends if I’m going have a social life, and I’m not me if I don’t have a story from my outside life that I can relate into my work. I’m missing having my people around me. 4 years ago it was the ex I vent on, these last years my sister has been my best friend so close to all the action, and then that little piece of my soul that moved to Melbourne just after I found him. I miss the mishmash of everyone together. Loneliness is mean. I don’t feel it as often anymore but I have noticed that my best people are all just a bit further out of reach than normal. What I am learning is that I am getting much better at keeping my own company as long as I mix in a play date every now and then! And in light of that I need to add a thing called Meet Up into my life. I haven’t really looked closely into it but it’s a place where there are lots of different meet ups organised and you go along and join in the activists you are interested in. I’ll do some looking into it over the next couple of days and let you know what I find. Making friends is still super hard for me. I just don’t know how to do it. Makes me feel like I’m 13 again at a new school where I know like 1 other person in my class and I have to choose who to sit next to!!

One day I’ll sit in really cool cafes with my really cool dog at my feet and a really cool book I’m trying to read as all my friends drop by for coffee and a catch up hehehe Where’s the dude writing my life story? Cafe life sounds amazing hehe

Sweet dreams xx

I should totally write a book sitting in a cafe about cafe life with my dog and passing people. Put it on the bucket list!