The love of my life is leaving me. And I think he thinks it’s what I want.

He lost his job before Christmas and stupid me had been trying to be the supportive partner and thrown suggestions at him. It seems those suggestions have sealed my fate. He thinks I want everything we have now just somewhere he can get a job. Silly me thought that was my only option. But apparently he wants to travel. I have always wanted to travel with him because he is such great company but I never thought it was an option. He always said he was done with travel. Stupid thing is I would give up everything to travel with him.

We have to give our cats away. They have been with us this entire journey! 7 years… It just breaks my heart. And I can’t help thinking that maybe Daisy would be better off without me. That I should give her to someone that will be able to give her the time and attention she needs, not stick her with me who has no idea of where life is going or if i can take her with me. I love that dog to pieces but if giving her up meant I could keep Ian I would. But that’s not going to happen.

I will miss him so much. The companionship alone… I just… Ugh it makes me cry just thinking that I won’t be able to talk to him or that I’ll see something that reminds me of him or that he would like and I can’t share it.

Everyone asks me if I saw it coming. I tried not to see it coming. I knew as soon as I found out about his job that he might use it as an excuse to go. That’s probably why I tried so hard to suggest options. I should have kept my mouth shut. But even then I can’t help but think he checked out of our relationship months ago. When I got home from my trip to Australia he barely looked at me. He threw the dog between us and I couldn’t get to him. I wanted to share my excitement and I still don’t know if I got to. Now my enthusiasm from my trip has also been used in the argument against us as a couple. I feel like a failure. And a disappointment. If I could I would leave my life and hide somewhere. But I have bills to pay and I need to eat (even though that’s not working out for me at the moment) so I need to keep working. I can’t stand the thought of going back to work tomorrow. Or ever again.

I want to be stronger than this. But I’m just so broken. I want to hate him. But I love him too much. I want to scream and yell at him. But I have nothing to throw. How does anyone survive this?