Ugh. Motivation has left the building, impending doom is fighting to get in, insomnia thinks it’s allowed to rule the night and what’s the point has settled in my chest. And that’s the shit thing about depression. It just keeps coming back!!
Physically I’m good. I’m still sitting on 88kg and have just started to be more proactive about lowering my cholesterol. I read an article that said if there is a history of heart conditions in your family then your cholesterol should be kept to 4… Mine was 7.2 at last read. That was a nice wake up call!! I am still swimming (when I can fight the lack of motivation) and walking Daisy dog. We have been back to the park a couple of times and she loves the run around! I need to get up early though to take her in the mornings because it gets too hot too quickly at the moment… And of course that’s when my brain finally lets me sleep. Go figure.
Mentally I’m back on the hamster wheel. I do try to fight it and am using my colouring books and meditation tapes to try and break this current cycle. The battle I keep losing is filling my time with things other than thoughts. Work is down to barely 2 days a week – and I’m one of the lucky casuals. Most of my friends are down to 1 shift a week. But that leaves me with an awful lot of down time. And I’m always better at life when I am kept busy.
It would probably be different if I had the money and the means to get out and see some more of the Gold Coast. I’m itching to get a good look around and find some of the hidden gems people tell me about. But no money means no travelling. I have to keep money available on my travel card in case I get a call to work, and I can’t take Daisy on any public transport so if I want to play with her it has to be close to home. That’s where my friend “what’s the point” kicks in. I stay in bed because “what’s the point of getting up when there is nothing to do”. You can see the hamster wheel turning already.
I had an interview today for a new store going in to Pacific Fair. I really wanted to be present and engaged with the process but I’m not sure I achieved that. I felt fine coming out of the interview but that impending doom state of mind keeps engaging with the what’s the point state of mind and now I’m expecting to fail. Seriously, how does my brain make it to end of a day in one piece?! Oh wait… The insomnia. I forgot about that. No wonder I’m so tired. I would have thought my poor brain would love to fall into sleep at the end of each day but instead it sits there and reviews everything it has thought during the day, or pulls up something I haven’t though about for months to chew on! It really isn’t fair. I love sleep! Hehe
So life feels like a struggle again at the moment. But I’m working on it. And if it’s back to having to celebrate making it out of bed every day then I’m all aboard that party train. Small steps to happiness again!!
Project: Suzy 